We haven't done a new edition of "A History of..." in so long! So herewith a new episode of our exhaustively researched 100% true* constantly on "hiatus" series... today's subject is Winona Ryder who turned 40 this weekend.
1971 Near Lake Winona in Minnesota an immaculately beautiful girl child "Winona Laura Horowitz" is born to Cynthia Palmer and Michael Horowitz. Three wise men, family friends, attend the birth: poet Allen Ginsberg gifts her with angel-headed hispterism and non-conformity (the things she'll say in early interviews!), scifi author Philip K Dick gifts her with the ability to question reality itself (her onscreen eye-rolling will become legendary!), and her godfather LSD guru Timothy Leary will gift her wi ---- so much history to get through! We'd better keep moving.
1978 The Horowitzes move from Minnesota to a ranch commune in California and live with 7 other families so that young "Noni" will not feel alone... utterly alone.
1983 Little Noni nearly drowns and fears water from that point forward. (She will later be frequently to compared to Natalie Wood but not for this reason.) She also takes her first acting class inciting immediate debate among her teachers and class members as to whether or not she has any aptitude for it at all. Their heated arguments will soon spread to critics and moviegoers and rage on ever after. No consensus has ever formed twenty-eight years later. (Early comparisons to Natalie Wood involve her youthful peak, and raven beauty but this, too, applies.)
1986 Winona gets her first film role in Lucas after a failed audition for the director's previous film. This is her entrance into the cinema.
[Historians should remain unobtrusive objective observers but here, we must pause to travel from Noni's history to our own. In this very moment, little Nathaniel sitting in the theater wonders why none of his classmates are this bewitching and what the hell is wrong with Corey Haim for not noticing her perfection and tells everyone "she is going to be a big star!" and ends the movie praying that he can marry her someday when they both grow up! He doesn't know it yet but this makes him an actressexual.]
Noni on the night she met Johnny Depp1988 Beetlejuice gives Noni her first hit and endears her to the Goth community forever. Or at least for the time being. She feels 'so alone... so utterly alone.'
1989 Winona plays her signature part "Veronica Sawyer" in Heathers and immediately thereafter begins to sell the press the loud worrying prophetic notion that she's peaked at 17. Stop it Noni, do not feed the trolls! She also plays the child bride of Dennis Quaid's Jerry Lee Lewis in Great Balls of Fire. She meets 26 year old Johnny Depp at her premiere. He wants her for his own child bride; they're engaged by the following summer.
1990 Hollywood's new "it" couple of Hollywood star together in Edward Scissorhands, "Winona Forever" is tattooed on his arm. And by forever he means 1993.
Winona, again displaying her prophetic gift, does not ink Johnny's name anywhere on her body. That we know of. Winona is in incredible demand and also stars in Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael and Mermaids. The latter introduces the world to Winona's mini me Christina Ricci who then lands the "Wednesday" role in Addams Family by purposefully lifting Winona's act from Beetlejuice for her audition. Cher slaps Winona when the Golden Globes nominate her instead of the legendary diva.. Oh no wait, that was just a scene in the movie! Your honor we withdraw the comment.
The whirlwind year ends with euphemistic "exhaustion" in which the young actress quits The Godfather Part III forcing Francis Ford Coppola to make do with his own daughter.
1992 After recovering from "exhaustion" Winona is all the media rage again starring opposite another raven-haired beauty Keanu Reeves (they could be twins!) as fiancees in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Her reportedly volatile working relationship with Gary Oldman on set (who is himself in the middle of a divorce with Uma Thurman) is the subject of arched media brow. The movie proves once and for all that Winona is less adept at period pieces than contemporary films.
1993 The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, in their infinite wisdom, disagree nominating Ms Ryder twice consecutively for costume pieces beginning with The Age of Innocence. She splits from Johnny Depp but not before he steals her gift of prophecy. Depp predicts his future as rum-loving Captain Jack with newly altered tattoo "Wino Forever". Anna Paquin swipes what Noni clearly thinks is her Oscar.
1994 Little Women wins Winona Oscar nomination #2. That same year she does even better work in Reality Bites but we can't have contemporary youthful comedies getting Oscar nominations!
1999 The prophetically-titled Girl Interrupted, meant to be Winona's big comeback, is stolen from her by new Goth icon Angelina Jolie.
2001 Something happened at Saks Fifth Avenue? In Beverly Hills? I've forgotten but no one will let Winona.
2002 Winona has the biggest hit of her career co-starring with Adam Sandler in Mr Deeds a film that no one will remember exists by 2003, proving once and for all that box office success means absolutely nothing to staying power.
2006 She starts on the long comeback trail in the animated-ish A Scanner Darkly.
2009 Her distracting cameo in Star Trek movie proves that stunt casting really takes you out of a movie.
2010 Her awesome cameo in Black Swan proves that stunt casting really elevates a movie.
2011 She co-stars in The Dilemma in which she faces the indignity of being romantically paired with Kevin James ... yes, the same woman who snagged Johnny Depp at 17 (offscreen) and stole Daniel Day-Lewis from everyone (onscreen). Come to think of it The Dilemma is a great title for her career given that this is the best movie she can score post two cameos in huge-ass hits? What the hell, Hollywood?
2012 Tim Burton to the rescue? Dark Shadows would have probably helped the Winona Cause more but it's a paycheck. She'll voice "Elsa Van Helsing" for the feature film adaptation of that charming 1984 short Frankenweenie.
Happy birthday Noni.
*not really.