In this edition of Red Carpet Convo Nathaniel talks to Mark Blankenship of The Critical Condition and our resident fashion obsessive Jose.
Nathaniel: Is it too late to talk about the Emmy divas and their dresses. This pop culture wheel does spin madly these days -- knocking me right off my axis sometimes.
Jose: We're only a day behind E!'s own red carpet talk (not that comparing onself to E! is any sort of compliment.)
Mark: We can think of it as a gift we're giving to a busy world. Sit back. Relax. Fondly remember days gone by... Sunday gone by.
Karen, A Good Wife, Crazy, Gwynnie, Skinny
Nathaniel: Well, it's horrible to follow Joan Rivers but then our purposes are never quite the same with our red carpet coverage. We're here to talk about the ladies and we're less bitchy and we're allowed to discuss actual careers, too. If we're so moved. I think we should start with this "Worst" collection and get the negativity out of the way.
Jose: You did NOT just put Gwynnie in your worst list.
Nathaniel: I did. Left to right. Megan Mullaly. I instantly regret putting her here because at least there are colors other than reds but it reminds me of this one tie I wore back when I thought loud colorful ties were fashionable simply because men's clothing was such a sedative.
Jose: I didn't even know she'd been to the Emmys. I have nothing against the dress at least it's a change from her usual black pant suit look.
Mark: The dress is kind of overwhelming. Like, you expect to unfold it and discover it's actually a giant, silk screened print of an Impressionist painting.
Nathaniel: Damnit, now I like it more.
Nick & MeganMark: Is she on television now in the absence of Party Down?
Nathaniel: She does guest stints on Parks and Recreation where she plays the demonic ex-wife of her actual husband Nick Offerman. They're hilarious together.
Jose: Wait, she's married to Nick Offerman? *mind explodes* I can not for the life of me, wait to see what she and Patty Clarkson come up with to mess with poor "Ron Swanson". [Editor's note: Patty Clarkson will be on Parks and Recreation this year.]
Nathaniel: That show is so great. Okay, Julianna Marguiles, The Good Wife or as she's known in some quarters The Wife With the Goodly Hot Husband. Thank youuuu, reaction shots.
Mark: See... look, I don't hate this dress. I don't mind that she took teardrops from an old chandelier and put them on her bosom. I find it whimsical.
Nathaniel: I just don't understand it. I keep wanting it to be really abstract and structural with the way it juts out up top like it's decolettage that wants to be a stiff collar or a Disney cliff.
Jose: I applaud the risk she took by going with Armani Privé (these people design like they're dressing up astronauts for dinner parties) but I laugh at her terrible choice, it's just too fugly. Maybe she wanted to carry on the "arrive by way of eggs" tradition established by Björk and Gaga.
Nathaniel: But see that's just my objection to it. If you're going that way, GO that way. It looks much weirder and therefore better from far away.
Mark: For me, seeing it in motion made it kind of fascinating but just staring at this picture makes me like it less.
Who's the woman in the pink and why is she wearing a mud mask?
Nathaniel: LOL. That's Paz de la Huerta who is insane.
Mark: !!! That's who that is? She's unrecognizable. And I watch Boardwalk Empire for chrissakes.
Jose: This is what happens when you take an oompa loompa out of the chocolate factory and send it to Extreme Makeover.
Nathaniel: She's been doing that weird lip thing for awhile. If it's not the chocolate factory it's those easter candies that color your mouth.
Mark: Either that or like someone who just strolled out of a nuclear meltdown. Isn't that kind of how your skin looks if it's burned by an A-bomb?
Nathaniel: I wouldn't know.
Mark: This image reminds me of how frustrating she is on the show; all affect, all the time.
Nathaniel: I don't watch the show. Every time I try I think Sopranos During Prohibition. Yawn.
Jose: Ugh no. The Sopranos rocked, this one is just "important", I watched the entire first season to see if it was about more than prestige and winning awards and no, it wasn't.
Nathaniel: Since Jose and I are in disagreement about Gwyneth Paltrow, Mark you must break the tie.
Mark: About her look or her work? Jose do you like her in general?
Nathaniel: Her look. We both like her work.
Jose: I'd like to coerce you to like this Pucci dress by suggesting that it was paying homage to this.
Mark: Ha! yes. Although I thought she was tipping her hat to Madonna's Shanti/Ashtangi period.
Nathaniel: Again I repeat. If you're going that way, GO that way. None of this half-assedness. Half-assed and midriff, no relation.
Mark: Zing!
Jose: I ADORE Gwynnie. She is the only reason I subject myself to Glee and why I have gotten into so many bar fights about the 1998 Oscars.
Nathaniel: LOL.
Mark: I really like her too. I think she's talented and charming and reasonably aware of how ridiculous she can sometimes be. That said, loving someone means telling them the truth and truthfully, this outfit is bad news. If it were all one dress, then maybe, but the midriff is just awful. The top looks poorly cut to me and slices up her body in a strange way. I agree that she should have gone further here. Farther?
Nathaniel: I don't like any dresses that risk making super skinny women look like they've put on lbs because that's CLEARLY an optical illusion. Gwyneth has a great body.
Mark: Either way show me some bellybutton or cover it up altogether.
Jose: I shall go the grave defending this look, it's just perfect to me!
Mark: I hope this is not the rift that ruins our blossoming friendship, Jose.
Nathaniel: I sense trouble. "1998 OSCARS!" *runs*
Jose: lol. Let's discuss Jayma Mays before you two continue to break my heart.
Mark: Well she looks like a lamp. Or a bottle of cheap bourbon dressed as a Southern Belle.
Jose: I loved her. She looked a hundred years younger than the actually younger Glee girls. Did y'all see what Dianne Agron was wearing? Yikes.
Nathaniel: Well the younger Glee girls are always trying so hard. I think they're scared of life after Glee. But the tiers on this dress are so weird like a pepto-bismol wedding cake. And I think when you're as delicate as Jayma, something that looks flimsy, easily torn or flammable if placed over a lightbulb is not a good idea.
Mark: Has her character gotten any better on Glee? I stopped watching partway through Season 1.
Nathaniel: Let us not discuss "character" and Glee in the same sentence lest you kill my buzz for the season premiere tonight.
Mark: Fair. But has her random collection of weekly, contradictory impulses gotten any more coherent? I know the answer before I...
Jose: lol.
Nathaniel: I SAID NO. DON'T KILL MY BUZZ.
Jose: I hate Glee but I shall respect your wishes, Nat.
Nathaniel: I hate myself for loving it but love it I do. Let's move on to BEST ACTRESSES!
Mark: The Best Comedy Actresses, you mean?
Nathaniel: Same difference. Best Actress Drama doesn't count until they stop nominating Mariska Hargitay.
Mark: Hahaha!
READ THE REST for best actress comedy, best dressed and a few men.
Mark: This moment was my favorite of the entire evening. The obvious joy and camaraderie made them all look beautiful.
Nathaniel: Me 2 times 1000. Amy Poehler is so delightful. I do wanna give props to their color choices. Edie Falco aside I think they all chose perfect colors and big props to Plimpton for looking so vavavoom since she plays so poor blue collar on Raising Hope.
Jose: I love the whole setup, hated the winner and don't even wanna go into talking their looks, for real ladies, being funny doesn't mean you need to dress all "serious". Linney is dressed for a Twiggy biopic and Falco pretty much stopped bothering (always the same). Poehler is the only one who "tried."
Mark: Hmmm. I WAS blinded by the enthusiasm of the moment. I thought they all looked great. Laura Linney's legs?!? COME ON!
Nathaniel: Yes.
Jose: No! Tina and Martha are wearing the same thing in different colors (same hairstyle even)
Mark: I have a medical condition about Martha Plimpton where I can't fault her for anything, ever.
Nathaniel: Plimpton is divine. I've loved her since the 80s -- this is 100 years ago but her and River Phoenix in Running on Empty? Heartbreaking! -- and it's nice to see her getting such a resurgence. To hear her tell it before Raising Hope she was flat broke begging her friends for babysitting jobs.
Mark: She'd been doing a lot of Broadway but for Off Broadway companies with Broadway houses. That doesn't pay much at all. [Editor's note: Mark works in the theater industry]
Jose: Cute story but the dress still says "lazy housewife's choice" to me, don't go all AMPAS on us and try to move us with a human interest angle, Nathaniel.
Mark: Jose you are so cruel. Martha Plimpton forgives you, though. She's just that cool.
Nathaniel: Martha is one of those actresses that's genuinely funny just as herself... so I knew if she ever got the spotlight again people would realize they loved her.
Mark: Agreed. She's always been around doing excellent work ont he edges and now we can all go, "Oh right, I've always like her." She's so effortlessly funny. She never indicates when something is supposed to be quirky, which I appreciate.
Nathaniel: We should move on but one more thing about Laura Linney. I feel like this loose casual look with the sexy leg is PERFECT for her. Haven't you noticed that when she gets really glammed up it looks "hard" and somehow wrong on her. There's something about her apple-cheeked beauty that really glows when casual. She's one of those women who are more glamorous while casual than when they are being purposefully glamorous. Does that make sense?
Jose: Completely. But you wear this to the VMAs not the Emmys! She'd still look divine in something like what Kate Winslet wore without trying to look like Kristen Stewart's older sister.
Harry Shum, Mr. Heidi Klum, Tyrion Lannister, Mr Cumming, and Don Draper
Nathaniel: Okay let's gawk at a few men really quickly.
Mark: Left to right, or in order of hotness?
Nathaniel: LOL.
Jose: Harry Shum Jr *drools* love love love him. I wish I could've met him when he lived down here.
Nathaniel: He lived there?
Jose: He was born in Costa Rica!
Nathaniel: This I didn't know. I don't know if he was actually at the Emmys (it's a photo from an after party) but he looks so much better in a tux than many of the nominees.
Jose: I wouldn't have minded if he'd show an ab or six, though.
Mark: Agreed. Now that's a midriff.
Nathaniel: Oh so, let me gues this straight. Laura Linney has to wear full length gowns but Harry can go naked?
Jose: After Party! Different rules apply... everyone can be naked there.
Nathaniel: But he's in full "I'm a nominee" (even though he isn't) tux mode! Anyway, Seal is doing the man version of Gwnnie's midriff for you with the open chest. You might say this is too VMAs as well but I feel like Seal and Heidi Klum, being from a genetically advanced planet, need not obey the same rules.
Jose: This is quite the sartorial ethical conundrum but in my defense I am more passionate about women's fashion than men's.
Nathaniel: Um... who isn't?
Jose: Seal looks like he never left after last year's ceremony.
Mark: Take off the damn sunglasses and button your shirt. The Grammys are in February.
Nathaniel: You don't buy my not of this world defense?
Jose: Well, no.
Mark: Not at all. I don't actually want anyone showing their chest at the Emmys no matter who they are.
Nathaniel: I raise you "Christina Hendricks" and destroy your point.
Mark: I meant male chests not "any chests". An event like this calls for the seductive power of suggestion.
Nathaniel: Omg. it's getting late. RUSHING THROUGH NOW. Peter Dinklage is a great actor (but his sleeves are too long? What's that about because surely he had this custom made? Alan Cumming is awesome just for upsetting Joan Rivers so much.
Mark: Alan Cumming suits your "really go for it" rule.
Jose: Agree. Jon Hamm could've used a comb.
Nathaniel: It's not fair to always want Jon Hamm to be Don Draper but I do. I don't have hair but if I did I would SO be tempted to adopt the slicked Mad Men look. It is just so so yummy. See also: many classic male movie stars.
Mark: No disagreements here.
Nathaniel: So this next one-shot was Jose's idea because I was complaining about all the red. So I just threw the red dresses on the red carpet for total monotonous mayhem. HATED IT. And I should add: this isn't even all of them!
Mark: Horrifying. I commend your photoshopping.
Jose: I'm loving what you did and it pisses me off more. Lazy lazy women!
Nathaniel: We are TOTALLY out of time. This is who I selected as BEST. Christine Baranski - has she ever looked better? Christina Hendricks, Wonder Woman. Maria Bello love the silver ripple deco. And then we have our final VEDA vs. MILDRED battle. Will this continue straight through the Oscars this year?
Baranski, Hendricks, Bello, Wood & Winslet
Mark: Why is Baranski always so fabulous? I was ushering a play she saw in New Haven once, and even though it was just a Saturday afternoon, she looked amazing.
Jose: It's like she eats sunshine and classiness.
Mark: "A Saturday Afternoon in Connecticut."
Call me a sinner but I don't love Hendricks here.
Jose: Yay.
Nathaniel: Mutiny everywhere today. Grrrr.
Mark: However I am totally besotted by the Mildred Pierce ladies. And I can see that Bello takes odd accents and makes them work unlike Marguiles.
Jose: "*FASHION NERD ALERT* Kate Winslet and Evan Rachel Wood are wearing the same designer this time (Elie Saab) !!! Making our throwing them into battle again even more exciting.
Mark: Yes! Bloodsport!
Nathaniel: Black and red. I know they don't plan these things together ahead of time but I feel like they are psychically connected in their fashion one-upmanship at all of these events they're both hitting. 'You ungrateful child *slap*'. 'You're cheap, mother!'
Mark: Does this mean Veda ends up naked and crying?
Nathaniel: No, just lipsynching to opera.
Mark: As long as Mildred still gets to strangle her, I'm fine.
Jose: I'm still rooting for Veda.
Nathaniel: The bloodsport continues! Kate wins this round for me.
Mark: I've got to run, but I will carry images of Kate's flawlessness and Laura Linney's legs in my heart.
Nathaniel: Legs in your heart? Sounds uncomfortable.
Mark: It's a big heart.
YOUR TURN. We talked about so much. And nothing at all. Join us in the fashion / celebrity void.