I meant to start the Burtonjuice series tonight, a full retrospective of Tim Burton each Thursday night, but that might have to wait one more Thursday. Because we're all Burton'ed out after watching the trailer to Dark Shadows twice in a row to see if it was for real.
Are you for real, trailer?
The trailer runs its mouth but does not answer.
It blabbers, nudges and winks, spreads its finger claws dramatically then goes back to amusing itself. We're glad someone is amused.
So let's break it down with our Yes, No, Maybe So system.
YES
- It does appear that Eva Green is having some fun with her role. Particularly fun is the ass on the piano bit and her deranged in-your-face sexuality.
- Green reminds me a bit of Lisa Marie here. I know that Tim Burton has long since moved on to Helena Bonham-Carter but don't you kind of miss Lisa Marie? I do.
- Production Designer Rick Heinrichs is clearly enjoying this Production Designer's Dream Project.
- As is the costume designer.
- Ummm... I'll think of something else. I will.
- That moment with the gates opening is beautiful. Gothic gates and mansions bring back fond Burton memories.
- Helena Bonham Carter's voice. I could definitely listen to that for a whole movie.
NO
- Didn't know this would be so entirely comedic. Only problem is, it doesn't seem very funny.
- Hate the weightless CGI. Why is it even necessary? Take the scene of Johnny Depp being tied up by magical chains. They look so fake, all animated and circling. Correct me if I'm wrong but actual chains are not outside the budget of Warner Bros.
- What was with the Ha Ha sound effects during the rough sex scene?
- On the fakey fakey CG tip, why risk direct comparisons to Batman Returns' frisky licking move when Michelle Pfeiffer is in the picture risking it and you've already failed the comparison with a silly CG tongue?
- And there are some awfully JOKEY JOKEY sound effects in the sex scene.
- Also Johnny Depp is not what he used to be and it can't be just me who wonders how Eva Green could be so obsessed with him?
- Is it just me or does this trailer have a weird habit of stopping in its tracks for Depp to say a punchline (but each lands with a thud)?
- Speaking of Michelle and Johnny, this trailer has way too little of the former and way too much of the latter. And unfortunately what we do see of Michelle's matriarch seems as arch and stiff as the rest of the trailer.
MAYBE SO
- On the other hand, Johnny Depp and Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham Carter are, generally speaking, highly charismatic actors who are also gifted at stylization. Burton features are nothing if not stylized.
The wrong actor is out of focus. Just saying.
- A lot of people think Mars Attacks! is not funny (and it might be the closest comparison point - a cheesy genre piece that's meant to be funny/retro in Burton's oeuvre) but Mars Attacks! is, in point of fact, hilarious. Perhaps the comedy will work in context?
- Collins Canning Co.? Okay, there might be a self aware joke in there somewhere.
I began with a screenshot that most expressed my feelings while watching the trailer. I end with the last image from the trailer which also happens to be the last feeling I'm left with.
Which is also, quite coincidentally, the expression often found on my face while being forced to look at Chloe Moretz in movies.
I'd be a "No" but for the completism with La Pfeiffer and that Burton alimony... even after the divorce we are required to buy tickets to his movies. How about you? Yes No or Maybe So?