By Spencer Coile
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It is a sunny, carefree weekday afternoon. A spur of the moment decision leads me to rent the 2017 "blockbuster," Fifty Shades Darker, which prides itself on being the sequel to the risque and monotonous Fifty Shades of Grey. It's new to DVD, I had read half of the second book several summers ago, the first film was altogether harmless, what did I have to lose?
Two hours, it would appear.
Picking up right where the first film left off (although that really is of no importance in the world of Grey and co.), Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) gets back together with good ol' billionaire, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). They have sex, have meaningless conversations as if their lives depended on them, and constantly bicker over the fact that Christian wants to spoil Ana with a new phone, laptop, car, $24,000 for no apparent reason. And that is only the first half hour!
I do not consider myself prudish, nor did I ever consider these stories (written by E.L. James as Twilight fanfiction) to be anything other than a contemporary take on a unique type of romance. That said, the way in which Christian and Anastasia's relationship is depicted in this film is as charming as watching two noodles in a pool softly bump into each other as they float across water. In a film, an entire universe, centered around sex and the strange desires that others may have, director James Foley is not interested in exploring the intricacies to these sexual fantasies. Instead, he focuses on the sex scenes themselves, which, even though it would appear they are trying to shock viewers end up as limp and lifeless as the dialogue without that fueling desire. It could be fascinating to develop these characters' sex lives, but the most fulfilling quality to the scenes are the catchy R&B songs that play in the background.
;)
Dakota Johnson is by no means a bad actress. Her performance in 2016's A Bigger Splash is a clear indication of her talents. Here, though, she is saddled with Anastasia, the limp salad of literary characters. Given no real charm or subtlety to her character, it is almost baffling to watch every single man in this film fawn over her in the ways that they do. Everyone, and I mean everyone loves her. None more so than Christian. And as we watch Ana reject all of Christian's gifts to her (after all, she has her dream job and all the money in the world), her biggest concern is telling her boyfriend that he shouldn't buy things for her. As you can imagine, this quickly gets frustrating. And don't even get me started on Dornan, who does not seem to be trying all that hard to make Christian anything other than some type of sex god. And even that is a misfire. But hey, at least they are both attractive!
;)
There is a scene halfway through the film, where Anastasia and Christian enter a crowded elevator. Somehow, Christian ends up with his hand in Ana's skirt, and despite her weird moaning and the aggressive hand movements, miraculously, no one notices. Not even when he loudly whispers, "Don't come" in her ear. Strangely, this scene is representative of the film as a whole. It attempts to be steamy and erotic; perfect for those Valentine's Day crowds that swarmed to the theaters. Instead, it ends up feeling clumsy and without purpose. It's odd but fitfully amusing -- Marcia Gay Harden as Christian's mother slaps Kim Basinger across the face! It is my sincerest hope that the film finds itself in the camp classic territory in the distant future.