by Eric Blume
While many Americans are talking about their life in terms of Before and After the Pandemic, I'm now talking about my life in terms of Before and After watching Cats the movie. The much-maligned Tom Hooper musical opus is currently available on iTunes and Amazon, so I felt I should give it a shot after all the chatter, here, and elsewhere. But beware, kind viewer: once you've seen this movie, there is no coming back.
Preface that I am not a "Cats" hater (or even a cats hater...they're not dogs, but that's not their fault). I saw the almost-original Broadway production back when it was all the rage, so I have a tender spot for it in my heart...
Of course, even at its best, "Cats" the stage show is preposterous and probably shouldn't exist. To be generous, the show has some catchy tunes, Broadway razzle-dazzle, and some quite glorious choreography. The world didn't need a movie version but perhaps (perhaps!?!) it could have worked in the hands of a filmmaker who leaned into the bravado of its showmanship, or who had a feel for its kitsch and panache.
But what Tom Hooper does with "Cats" defies words. It's tough to say what's worst about how he handles this material. Could it be his staggering literal-mindedness? Could it be the occasional thuddening attempt at comedy? Could it be the grossly-misjudged sense of scale in the design? Could it be his directing of all the young dancer-actors to play in community-theater earnestness? Indeed, Hooper makes Cats is even MORE bizarre than the original material. Most of the movie generates a feeling of horror and nausea where you truly cannot believe you're seeing what you're seeing.
Ian McKellan and Judi Dench borderline-escape with their legend intact, but almost every other actor does embarrassing work. Both James Corden and Rebel Wilson, in particular, should have to do a long term in Acting Jail for their painfully unfunny physical "comedy".
And you can't even say, "well, the singing and the dancing are good!". Hooper takes one genuinely joyful number, "Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer" and literally takes the musicality out of it. Instead the song is done in a weird patter-whisper and is robbed of its rollicking orchestration, immediately DOA... and then it keeps going! Jennifer Hudson, a great singer and bad actress, uses "Memory" to remind us that she is a great singer and bad actress; her material is all "well-sung" in a snotty, dour tone that misses any chance at either light tragedy or exultation. And while Hooper cuts almost all of the dance out of the original production, what dance remains is terrible. It's a collection of faux-ballet mumbo-jumbo that has no artfulness or point-of-view or beauty.
This article brings me no pleasure to write. I went into Cats without cynicism. I love movie musicals and figured there'd be SOME joy in there somewhere. But wow. You spend a stretch of the movie wondering which drug you could be doing that would make it watchable. I mean, the best I can say about Cats the movie is that once you've seen it, you can never unsee it. Definitely spend your home isolation time with seven hours of a much better feline fiction, The Tiger King.