Bringing back an old series Monday Monologue* for fun - will try to do this weekly since we love amazing combos of actors and screenplays.
The women of Moonstruck (1987), mother and daughter Rose (Olympia Dukakis) and Loretta Castorini (Cher), get all the credit. It's not hard to see why since both actresses won richly deserved Oscars but the men in the movie are indispensable to its pleasures, too. Though we've seen Moonstruck many times, when we were prepping for a recent episode of Streaming Roulette, we chanced upon a brief character comedy scene we'd completely forgotten about. In the scene, the family patriach and plumber Cosmo Castorini (Vincent Gardenia) is trying to convince a couple that they need to pay for a huge upgrade to fix their a bathroom leak...
Look, there are three kinds of pipe. There's the kind of pipe you have...which is garbage! And you can see where that's gotten you...
Moonstruck is perfect. It's not just perfect because of the oft-discussed transcendent peak of Cher's inimitable career or the Oscar winning deadpan support from Olympia Dukakis or the brilliance of any of its numerous quotable lines (though "Snap out of it!" hogs the bulk of the glory). It's perfect for hundreds of reasons.
This 'three kinds of pipes' scene is a throwaway bit (a lesser film might have left on the cutting room floor) but it happens to be perfect, too.
Then there's bronze... which is pretty good. Unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong.
And then there's copper. Which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money.
SOLD!
The scene is a smartly placed spotlight for Vincent Gardenia's plumber dad who will behave horribly in the movie. Here we see him at work before all the marital trouble and it's oddly endearing even though he says the lines with a condescending grift as if he's speaking to very ignorant children who need to be relieved of their money.
His hand gestures alone, bountiful stand-ins for both punctuation and italic emphasis, are A+ inspired. Bonus points, especially, for holding up three fingers on both hands, when he begins the monologue. That makes six. Hee.
Speaking of: Moonstruck won 3 Oscars (Actress, Supporting Actress, Original Screenplay) but honestly winning all six of its nominations (add in Supporting Actor, Director, Picture) would have been just fine. Apologies to other 1987 movies but this level of perfection is rare and it's no sin to not measure up to it.
Moonstruck is currently streaming on HBOMax.
* Traditional sized monologues -- the kind you see in stage plays -- are rare in film so movie monologues tend to be very short like this. Just a handful of sentences, really. But as long as the actor gets uninterrupted time to sell a paragraph or two, we'll take it!