3 Days Til Oscar. Open Thread
Thursday, February 27, 2014 at 9:30AM 
A genie appears offering you three wishes. One of the wishes can't be more wishes (duh!) and this genie is an Oscar queen so he demands that all three wishes be about Oscar night. Go!
Here are mine if you need a moment to think about yours...
1) That 12 Years a Slave wins Best Picture
2) That Kim Novak and Liza Minnelli's appearances go so spectacularly well that the Academy magically stops worrying about whether 14 year olds are watching and sets in motion plans to make the Oscars grander again with more living legends and classic film shoutouts that aren't as passionless as "montage celebrating ___". (Listen, genie. It's not like I'm asking that all of this minute's biggest stars share the other 364 days of the year but Oscar is one freaking night a year and it's about the grand tradition of the cinema. And you can't have grand traditions without having had a glorious past. And if you don't acknowledge the scale of that past, your tradition starts feels tremendously tiny and hollow.)
3) That someone on stages thanks The Film Experience catapulting yours truly and the site to global fame and fortune for all the thankless years of Oscar coverage (What? It's a free wish. I have to dream big because I like to be able to pay rent and eat and I want to keep doing this)
Reader Comments (66)
1) Ellen is funnier than usual, because usual isn't funny.
2) JLaw wins, receives the wrath of the internet, little backlash now, a lot of backlash later, career ends.
3) Shirtlessness... from people with penises.
1. Cooper for Supporting Actor
2. Midler brings the house down
3. an actor acknowledges their childhood/early adult teachers; instead of just thanking everyone they're working with NOW, why not thank those who helped them get there?
1. Kim Novak is there to do a really well-thought-out Hitchcock tribute, one which starts a renaissance in intelligent suspense movies, which can also draw from Breaking Bad.
2. Her for screenplay.
3. Nathaniel gets his wish, esp. if it's from Blanchett.
1) Lupita
2) Emma wins on write in, uses speech to announce that she and Meryl are hosting next year
3) Peaceful resolution to disarmament in Syria
Bad Grandpa wins Makeup just because I do think it's deserving and it would be hilarious.
Lupita wins BSA (I have a really bad feeling right now that JLaw is going to win).
Bette Midler sings either "Wind Beneath My Wings," "The Rose," or "In My Life."
And a genuine shock happens, like someone no one predicted. Like, Judi Dench for Best Actress, Sally Hawkins for Best Supporting, Bradley Cooper, Karen O/The Moon Song for Original Song. No matter if I'd agree with it or not, just a real shocker would be fun. I feel like we haven't had one for a long time.
1. Kim Novak presents best picture. No more recycling of Spielberg, Nicholson, Hanks, (any) Douglas or even Ford. He's already done it twice! Spread the honor around already!
2. Jared Leto attends in drag but still loses to Fassy.
3. A Surprise win in acting. ANY surprise win as long as they give me "Anna-Paquin-so-surprised-she-hyperventilates" face.
Judi Dench wins
Matthew McConaughey does not win
Meryl Streep and Bette Midler appear on stage together
1.) 12 YEARS A SLAVE wins Best Picture
2.) HER wins Best Original Screenplay
3.) someone acknowledges the Supreme Court Marriage Equality ruling
1. Steve McQueen and Alfonso Cuaron tie in director, only to see best picture go elsewhere (Philomena is by far my least favourite so lets say that one).
2. All nine best picture nominees win something.
3. Cate Blanchett mentions The Film Experience.
"2. All nine best picture nominees win something."
Hm... is this possible? Let's see...
BEST PICTURE: 12 Years A Slave
BEST DIRECTOR: Alfonso Cuaron
BEST ACTOR: Leonardo DiCaprio
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Jared Leto
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Jennifer Lawrence
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Her
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Philomena
BEST FILM EDITING: Captain Phillips
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Nebraska
And weirdly, other than Nebraska for Cinematography the others actually don't look too out there.
1: Gravity doesn't win best picture.
2: Wolf of Wall Street wins nothing.
3: As the big surprise that every year needs...Ernest & Célestine wins best animated feature.
Henry -- your fourth wish has like 5 wishes in it. Cheater!
Robert G -- ah, then i guess your happy at the film bitch awards for Best Original Score
DJDeeDay -- if you read my Slate piece on acceptance speeches, you would know that actresses (way more often than actors) sometimes do thank earlier people who shaped their career. Actresses being more awesome (and more generous)
Travis -- i love all three of your wishes. sending the genie your way right now
Meryl and Cate tie in Best Actress
JLaw loses to Lopita
Best Pic goes back to 5 nominees
One last wish, please: Ellen wheels out a giant birthday cake for my favorite actress Jennifer Jones, who would be 95 on Sunday, accompanied by a lovely film montage.
Overrated Hustle wins nothings
Michael Fassbender wins BSA
Her wins Best Picture(not gonna happen lol)
1. Whoever wins Best Actor gives a shout-out to Toni Servillo, whose performance in The Great Beauty was a thing of beauty indeed.
2. Some powerful person in the audience sees Liza and Bette on the stage and thinks "Hmmmmm…Hollywood loves itself and its history: why not adapt FOLLIES for the screen and actually give these living legends a chance to shine in a a classy musical?" And what better bookend for Barbra's beginning as Fanny Brice?
3. Pharrell sings Let It Go; Idina sings Happy; Bono sings The Moon Song; Karen O. sings Ordinary Love. Then they all join together and perform the song that got booted so that the conspiracy theorists can eliminate at least one of the many causes for complaint that Christian fundamentalists point to when argue that they are being persecuted in ways far worse than those devised by the Romans.