TFE Does Halloween
Tuesday, October 24, 2017 at 2:30PM
;)
The time has come… for you to block all the Kardashians on Instagram to prevent any self-harm you’ll be tempted to cause after seeing what percentage of your student loans they’re about to invest on a never-to-be-worn-again Halloween costume. We, at TFE, like to think of ourselves as better than the Kardashians—except for Kris, she is untouchable—so we have come up with a nice list of zeitgeist-friendly costumes that promise to be easy to assemble. Try to wear these at parties filthy with cinephiles, unless you want to be explaining yourself all night. We promise we’ll keep these cheap to assemble, except for the occasional requisite $600 lace-front.
Inspired by all the pop culture that's come out since last All Hallow's Eve, we've come up with a pretty specific list of costumes for you to avoid the store-bought. Check them out!
THE INEVITABLE
Of course, the last year in blockbusters has given comic book fans a lot of costume fodder. If you're going to resort for the Spider-mans, Wonder Women, and Pennywisemen, make sure to give them a nice twist that will help you avoid bumping into any twins. If you're going for Wonder Woman, do an interpretation of her Amazonian or Londoner spy look. Add a rooster and a piglet to your Moana and Maui. Nail your Pennywise with the obligatory red balloon and disheveled ruff. Add a bomber jacket and subtract any expertise from your Spider-Man. And if you're going to do a trio of pregnant Kardashians, don't forget unreliable babysitter Kris! Careful with your comments; she's untouchable.
THE NICHE
Arrival’s Louise Banks
What to Wear: Look through your closet to build your own pest control suit by wearing head to toe orange, some rain boots, and plastic gloves. Figure out how to stick a heptapod to part of your suit and remember to brag to everyone about all of the languages you can speak. As you wade through your party, make sure keep this costume’s catch in mind...
Don’t forget to... communicate with everyone exclusively through messages on a dry-erase board. You can open up your suit to drink, but no speaking! Bonus points if you can master the heptapod's language and draw it all night on your board to talk to everyone else. You won’t make too many new friends, but you’ll likely be on every stranger’s Halloween Snapchat story.
The Shallow’s Nancy Adams
What to Wear: Put on a bikini then throw on a torn-up surfer’s suit and about two liters of fake blood and dirt. Make sure no one forgets a shark tried to kill you for about an hour and 27 minutes, so wear a stuffed one around your leg (think Katya’s shipwreck look). To right the inevitable Oscar mistakes to come, show Steven Seagull some respect and sew him on to your surfer suit’s shoulder, too.
Don’t forget to… alienate your friend’s by desperately shouting out for help every fifteen minutes. Don’t stop until the nearest angel refills your cup.
A Ghost Story’s C
What to Wear: This one’s easy enough. Get your favorite childhood white sheet, place it over your head and cut two holes over your eyes the diameter of the length of Rooney Mara’s Dragon Tattoo bangs. Make sure to carry around a pie that you won’t share with anyone because your grieving lover might get hungry again any minute.
Don’t forget to… only speak in boo’s and pass around brochures that carefully explain to inquisitive guests how your choice of costume also doubles as a cry for Casey Affleck being held accountable for the sexual assault allegations filed against him before his Oscar win. Because your social awareness has a touch of whimsy.
Also consider:
- Okja's hammy Dr. Johnny
- Twin Peaks' technicolor Diane
- A masked, matador Valentina
- Blood-spattered Miss Martha from The Beguiled
- The men from The Last Jedi
Colossal’s Gloria & her kaiju
Whom to Include: This is a good couple’s costume. Gloria’s gonna need a fifty pound wig and a lot of layers. Maybe a bottle in a paper bag to show she’s the bad kind of alcoholic (as opposed to whatever you’ll be doing naturally at your parties, for which we will not be held accountable: you do you). Her charming South Korean terrorizing monster will wear whatever you think charming South Korean terrorizing monsters wear! We suggest something terrorizing.
Don’t forget to… sync each other’s movements ALL NIGHT. The kaiju has to do whatever does at the same time, even if you’re not right next to each other. Otherwise you’re just an anorexic Godzilla and Anne Hathaway in a lumpy wig.
Men and Women of Big Little Lies
Whom to Include: This is a fun one because you can either go the day-to-day route or do Audrey and Elvis’ Trivia Night. If you’re doing day-to-day: Madeline will have to stick to cardigans over floral day dresses. Celeste will be tastefully too-covered up in neutrals. Renata could do an animal print jumpsuit or a knockout fringed sweater over bootcuts. Jane can resort to a plaid shirt and jeans. Bonnie will have to do yoga gear or loose boho wear. Get Ed in a hipster beard and Perry in a wife beater (ugh). Bonus points if you can add someone dressed as a moody wave crashing against the party house’s wall every time Perry asks “Why didn’t we discuss this?” or anyone holding a glass of wine looks it in the eye.
Don’t forget to… pass around Harry the Hippo! And kill the abusive husband.
All the People Mariah Carey Doesn’t Know
Whom to Include: Mariah Carey might have invented the holidays, but her Christmas list has strategically excluded an unfortunate bunch. Make sure your Mariah avoids the rest of the girls: Jennifer Lopez’s low cut anything, Ariana Grande’s high-ponytail, Demi Lovato’s Disney days, and the ghost of Nicki Minaj’s Billboard Hot 100 number one song—that’s difficult to get, not everybody has that. Bonus points if you can get an overdressed Andy Cohen instigating some silliness with his talk-show note cards.
Don’t forget to… be very forgetful.
Also consider:
- The women of Hidden Figures
- Nancy and Tonya
- Carrie Coon's Emmys
- The cast of The Good Place
- Nicole Kidman's 2017
What are you dressing up as? Show us your costumes!
Reader Comments (7)
Kartrashians.... ugh.... the bane of humanity.
If I still dressed up, this year I would definitely by Agnès Varda and rope some tall friend into being my JR.
costume for halloween: the missing envelope of best picture Oscar. on each house I visti I name a different best picture winner (like Mad Mad: Fury Road, The Fellowship of the ring, Citizen Kane...)
If you don't like the Kardashians then you're not a feminist.
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