Drag Race RuCap: “Drag Race Vegas LIVE! Makeovers”

Wednesday

Apr032024

Wednesday, April 3, 2024 at 10:00AM

Nick Taylor and Cláudio Alves are watching and recapping RuPaul’s Drag Race season sixteen. This week, it’s time for episode thirteen…

Like last week, thank heaven for the hunks.

CLÁUDIO: Like many a makeover challenge over the series’ herstory, the latest season 16 episode is rather lovely up until the judges deliver their critiques. After that, it’s the usual shit-show of inconsistent rulings and baffling decisions, a nonsense cocktail that sours everything that came before and leaves a bad taste in the mouth going forward. As if inverting its predecessor’s trajectory, this season seems intent on decreasing in quality as it reaches its final stretch, each episode a bit more disappointing than the one it follows. At least we have hot men to ogle, eye candy from start to finish, with a spoonful of potential fetish content to make things sweeter. That is the one saving grace of these past few chapters.

NICK: I’m very sad that my French Vanilla Love Dion fantasy was shot down this episode. Don’t look at me, I’m distraught . . . .

I completely agree that the first 40 or so minutes of this episode were absolutely lovely. Watching the queens and their new drag babies get to know each other and bond over shared experiences and shocking disparities alike is a real pleasure. Whatever our many, many complaints about the makeover challenge industrial complex, it’s become way more fun now that the show regularly casts folks who actually want to be there. It also means the final results from some of the queens are a little more dismaying - y’all were on such a great wavelength and you came up with this??? - but that’s for later in the article.

Of course, we start with the final five convening after Dawn’s annihilation. Morphine thought Dawn was gonna go all the way, but she also knows she’s gonna win this whole game, so sending her good Judy home is just a premature act. Still, it’s shocking, and everyone is eyeing each other with the same idea racing through their heads: I know I’m gonna make it to the finale, but I have no idea who out of these bitches is gonna get cut next. Plane and Sapphira at least feel very psyched about their place in the competition. Sapphira is riding high on her third consecutive challenge win, and Plane is ready to keep being the same polished, delusional menace she’s always been now that Sapphira helped her reconcile those ugly sad thoughts in her head.

As it turns out, the maxi challenge will only reinforce the queen’s self-confident paranoia. It’s the makeover challenge, and everyone is fucking pumped. They’re good seamstresses, they’re good at giving other people makeovers, etc etc. - the stars are aligning!! Even better, they’ll be making over dancers from the RuPaul’s Drag Race Las Vegas Revue, five beefy men who are just distractingly sexy.

CLÁUDIO: In your eagerness to talk hot men, you didn’t even mention the shameless bit of promotion for the Drag Race edition of Monopoly. Then again, that bit is forced and so quickly dispatched, that I can’t pretend the editors were any more interested than you were. Moving on to the prancing hotties of the week, we have five beauties to fawn over. The girls are certainly beside themselves in the face of their smoke show, but they won’t get to pick their dancing hunk. Instead, Ru has them reach inside a furry pink box, where a bunch of balls await their fondling. Each token corresponds to a dancer’s underwear, which they reveal in Magic Mike fashion by removing their tear-away pants. It’s a whole lot of fun.

Q gets Sebastian, the most masc of the lot, but also maybe the most competitive. That should make them a match made in heaven, though our bald-headed bitch is more interested in how much her type he is - diplomatically, Q says he reminds her of the hubby waiting back home. All that aside, I couldn’t help but notice his perfect upturned nose. It’s like he already has the schnoz most queens fake through makeup.

Morphine manifests herself a Latino king, getting Miguel’s ball from the pink hole. It seems Dawn wasn’t the only witch lipsyncing last episode. However, I’d caution Miss Love Dion, because a hot man doesn’t always make a hot queen, and those tats may interfere with some nude illusions down the road - foreshadowing! Jonathan is Nymphia’s purple dream, though our Banana Buddha was ready to open her legs for any and all of the dancers on stage. Relatable queen.

Finally, last week’s double winners are invited to double-fist the pink box, getting red and blue balls for their troubles. That means Sapphira is paired with Mark, an adorable To Wong Foo superfan who completely won me over by the episode’s end. Also, he has a twin, which should be a sign that God might actually exist, and she was generous enough to make two of these dreamboats. Plane, on the other hand, gets Nick, who looks remarkably like Dawn after a few doses of T and ‘roids. The Bostonian describes her as her Elvish sister after some years in prison, though. Either way, he’s pretty, broad, and game for all that’s coming down the road. All of them are, to be honest.

NICK: They are as game as they are beautiful. Once the contestants are paired up, Ru announces another part of the challenge: To take advantage of having five trained dancers to play with, the queens will work with their boys to choreograph a quick dance routine. Oh yay, it’s a dancing challenge. The queens are more excited than I am, which means they are very nervous about being shown up by their partners along with everything else.

That being said, it’s miraculous how all of the queens are able to connect with their new drag daughters. Nick is completely ready to meet Plane at her level of bitchy, witty whoredom, and her drag mama couldn’t possibly be happier. They also bond over starting their current careers after years of suppressing their desires for other people’s judgments - Nick survived getting hit by a car in college and decided to pursue dance professionally once he finished his degree, and is tremendously grateful for being able to spend his life doing the thing he loves. Q is hoping for an equivalent exchange with her baby, bestowing her outspoken attitude onto Sebastian so she can acquire even a smidge of his dancing ability.

Morphine is assured that her and her daughter’s natural beauty will give them all the advantage they need, especially with Miguel’s naturally fat ass providing all the family resemblance they need. Sapphira is similarly confident, presenting a full, geode-theme concept. Mark will have some jewel name starting with S, just like mother. Hands down the funniest of these interactions is Nymphia losing her mind upon discovering her daughter is heterosexual and married. She flies across the werkroom like an injured bird. She can’t even, and neither could I.

CLÁUDIO: As a proud hetereophobe, I could relate to Nymphia’s dismay. Look at that man. Look at that face. What a waste.

Thinking she might as well traumatize her tragically straight partner, Miss Wind proceeds to give us a class on the art of tucking. For once, her penchant for carrying fruit into the werkroom has some purpose, as she uses two oranges and a banana to demonstrate. Not wanting to waste this educational moment, Morphine drags Miguel to Nymphia’s School for Novice Drag Queens, and the boy sure looks terrified. So does Jonathan, especially when the season’s lipsync assassin cries out in scholastic disagreement with her sister’s technique. We’ve all seen Nymphia’s approach of popping the testicles back into the abdominal cavity and taping the penis flat, but Morphine thinks that’s a recipe for disaster. Instead, she wraps the meat with tape, then wraps the package along with the sack and sticks it all back.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you get a urinary tract infection if you’re lucky, or an accidental vasectomy if you’re not.

Summoned by the hunk panic suddenly smothering the room, Mama Ru shows up to give some advice and see how things are going. Sapphira confirms her confidence, even mentioning she has eleven drag daughters to prove her mothering talents. Ru, for her part, clocks Mark’s gay face a mile away and boosts Mama Cristál’s optimism by saying she’s sure he’ll turn into a pretty lady. If only it were so simple.

Nymphia and Jonathan have a kiki about the dancer’s origins, how it was his Puerto Rican mother who convinced him to try dancing one summer when he was laying about doing nothing. Morphine assures Ru, she’ll shape her man’s muscled physique into a Love Dion bawdy-oddy-oddy. His ass sure helps, as does his perfect form when wearing heels - all of them are great at it, often better than the queens they’re paired with. And speaking of Q, she trusts that a strong concept will compensate for her lack of dancing skills and slight unsureness when it comes to painting another person’s mug.

Finally, it’s time for Plane to present her case to Mama Ru. In the process, she almost kills the bitch, who sounds like she’s asphyxiating once she’s told the name of Madame Aircraft’s beefcake baby. Do you want to do the honors, Nicky Doll?

NICK: LAZI SUSAN. It’s so fucking funny. Ru almost died laughing. I lost it too. It’s the best name of the bunch by so many miles. No one has a bad name, but Plane Jane and Lazi Susan? You can’t get better than that.

After their one-on-twos with Mama Ru, the queens take turns going to the main stage to figure out their choreography. Surprisingly for them, the dancers are the ones taking the lead here and choosing the styles of dance they’re most excited to show off. There’s some limitations - namely Q, who does her level best at matching some fairly simple movements - but the queens are determined to match their drag babies on the dance floor when they’ve been so game about trying on heels and picking up personas.

The big issue, however, comes when Sapphira realizes she cannot dance to save her life in her giant geode dress. She quickly decides to abandon the dress and the concept that came with it, literally throwing it off the stage to continue practicing choreo, but already she’s lost on a derailed train of thought, wondering what on earth she can salvage. What concept can she use, what outfits does she have, where can she possibly go from here? It’s a gigantic fumble, especially this late in the game, and Sapphira is very aware this mistake could be fatal.

CLÁUDIO: Considering what Sapphira settles on, I wonder if sticking to the geode was the way to go, dancing be damned. Do some arm choreo and smile. Then again, I’m not sure the gown was all that to start with - the gray portion almost looks unfinished. So, maybe Mother Cristál’s bottoming was fated to be and nothing could prevent it.

Do you know what could have been prevented? The tragedy we find next morning in the werkroom, when the queens proceed to shave their men. Nobody is brave enough to attempt a bearded look, even if that didn’t prevent Danny Beard from winning her makeover challenge and the whole season, too.

As the hair kept falling from chests, faces, and pits, I had flashbacks to the sheep-sheering sequence in The Sundowners - an Oscar deep cut if there ever was one - and I wasn’t happy about it. However, I know there are shaving fetishists in the gay community, so maybe this content was meant to please them.

Like with every interaction between the guys and dolls, the moment is full of good humor and heartwarming sincerity. Nymphia and Jonathan’s talk about self-doubt is especially beautiful, highlighting Miss Wind’s nervousness before each challenge and giving it a new context. It’s a glimpse beneath the curtain of goofiness, ending in a sisterly hug. I don’t know about you, but I was moved. Cynically, I was also relieved we’re getting some insight into Nymphia since it often feels like she’s shortchanged by the edit.

NICK: It’s nice to see so much of Nymphia this episode! You’re right that she’s felt somewhat removed from the past few episodes, and seeing her get just a little closer to the spotlight is very appreciated.

The lights dim. The music plays. RuPaul walks onstage in a glittery pink and green gown that’s undermined by an unconvincing nude illusion moment. Unconvincing nude illusion moments have been a theme all season, so it’s nice to see Ru get in on the action. Ts Madison is the rotating judge of the week, while the guest judge is some white woman singer.

First down the runway are Q and Luna, going all in on clashing colors and patterns behind a mime-like mug. I give Q points for going so far out on this colorful limb, a route few queens have really tried for the makeover challenge. She’s embracing her artistic idiosyncrasies instead of toning them down, and bless Luna for going for it. Q’s cape next to Luna’s skirt help to visualize their mother-daughter dynamic, and the outfits they’re wearing are just plain fun. Not the strongest outfit Q’s worn this season, but it’s more adventurous than this challenge usually invites folks to attempt.

CLÁUDIO: While I commend Q’s concept and sense of adventure, I have to repeat a critique from a few episodes ago. The coat is a great piece on its own, but the styling’s all wrong. I don’t get the red lingerie set and the bodysuit base is ugly as sin. It detracts from the zebra lining, and those feather burts look like hairy pimples. That said, for once, I fully support Q’s wig choice.

Morphine and La Tina Love Dion are much more basic than their clown sisters. The makeup is great on both of them, but the outfits are a sad disappointment, styling included. La Tina needed a bigger wig to offset her muscularity, and the judges were right when they called for a boa of some sort. Still, the biggest sin is the nude illusion, which cuts across La Tina’s tattoos, giving the impression of a beige tank top rather than bare skin. The asses are bubbly perfection, of course.

NICK: Morphine and La Tina at least served the Love Dion specialty: Looking beautiful and serving slightly less than desired. I suppose doing as much (or as little) padding for your diva as you usually wear is a risk, but that doesn’t work if your drag baby is so much broader than you. The nude illusion is a bust, the asses are a must. It makes me wish Morphine had done Sasha Colby’s routine and padded way the hell up, offering that exaggerated figure as family resemblance and a flexing of her own staple. Still, this wasn’t enough.

Nymphia and Juanita Wind come strolling down the runway as tropical birds by way of Las Vegas showgirls. The inverted color palette of their outfits is a smart distinguisher while still maintaining the cloning aspect most integral to this challenge. And the feathers are a smart way for Nymphia to plaster a more feminine figure onto her broad hunk of man. Love the bird bills they wore coming down the runway.

CLÁUDIO: After Manila’s stand-up disaster in season 3, I’m starting to think Asian queens doing Big Bird drag may not be RuPaul’s cup of tea. Regardless, Nymphia and Juanita look great as Sesame Street’s mascot and her flamingo bestie. I especially appreciated the makeup on baby Wind, whose mug is a softer variation of her mother’s style, compensating for the higher angularity of that hunk face. The bills and hats are, indeed, fabulous.

I wish I could say the same about Sapphira and Shakira Cristál, but this mother-daughter duo was the runway’s weakest link. Mother Superior is sporting a less sparkly version of Mhi’ya’s entrance look, which she chose to alter with a two-tone skirt. It’s clunky and does nothing for her figure. The gloves are a disruptive afterthought, and the black shoes don’t go with anything. At least, the wig’s on point, which isn’t the case for Shakira. The baby’s outfit is better - borrowed from Plane - but it has nothing to do with her mama’s, while the boots are another needle scratch. I’m most surprised about the bad makeup, however. Sapphira has a very recognizable eye look, so I don’t get why she painted her daughter so differently. There’s no family resemblance in sight.

NICK: Shakira’s doing a mean Kahanna Montrese, but this was such a misfire. I had the same Mhi’ya comparison in mind for Sapphira’s dress, so good on you for beating me to it. I’m also surprised she seemingly didn’t pad Shakira - it’s one thing for Morphine to apply her dictum to La Tina, but Sapphira pads! There’s a joke about baby’s first training boobs in this set, even if Sapphira’s skin tone pieces wouldn’t look right on Shakira.

Plane Jane and Lazi Susan are last on the runway, and I am so mixed on what exactly it is we’re looking at here. Plane is the only one bold enough to put herself and her daughter in the exact same outfit, which I hate. She and her daughter are padded for the gods, and they’ve put the work into their routine to flaunt Lazi’s skills as a dancer on the main stage, which is great. The mug on Lazi is the single worst thing anyone presents on the runway, as if Sugar and Spice had to get a last minute substitution from Gothy Kendoll, and just makes the baby queen look permanently pissed off. It looks like Plane copy-pasted her mug onto Nick’s face without adjusting for his face shape at all.

CLÁUDIO: That’s some Mystique Summers’ perpetual vexation realness on Miss Lazi. Like you, I hate this copy-paste approach to the makeover challenge, even if, historically, it’s benefited those queens who go for it. Mostly, it turns the task into a technical endeavor with no accounting for artistry or wit. But even on a technical level, I’m underwhelmed by Plane’s work. Lazi is in desperate need of a bolder, bigger lip, and the eye is way too sharp for his heavy brow bone. What looks fierce on Boston’s meanest bitch, strikes me as cartoonish on Dawn’s trade twin.

Before we get to the judges' critiques, our girls still have to shimmy for their lives, presenting a mini-routine for Mama Ru’s pleasure. It’s fun enough, with Lazi stealing the show while Plane just kind of stands there. The biggest misstep, however, is reserved for Morphine’s daughter, whose skirt gets stuck, spoiling a tear-away moment. Q is stiff but makes it work with Luna, Nymphia and Juanita are fun if slightly out of sync, and the Cristál duo is proficient if uninspired. It’s evident that the baby drag queens are the dancers of the bunch.

NICK: Lazi Susan is absolutely the standout of the episode, and deserved a solo win for her own chutzpah. Nothing beats the moment where she accidentally whacks Plane in the face with her giant pigtail while delivering a mean girl line.

After this scheduled dance break, the judges move on to critiques. Q and Luna are praised for their eccentricity, and for devising a fun dance routine Q can execute without much difficulty. Ts Madison’s line on Nymphia wearing too much yellow on the main stage has already received a lot of flack, but it does bear repeating that this would be a weird remark even if Michelle gave it. Nymphia’s range with color, textile, and silhouette is pretty extensive, and to pretend otherwise is just odd. She got mostly good reviews, but criticizing her for being too on-brand was so strange I briefly feared she’d be lip syncing for her life.

Morphine is rightly dinged for not trying to hide La Tina’s bulk, though the judges are rightly impressed with her natural beauty and voluptuousness. Sapphira gets the worse notices of the night by far. The judges throw every criticism we mentioned earlier, with some additional pity at seeing a frontrunner faceplanting so badly this close to the finish line. Plane is just lathered with praise and I wish I understood why. The judges love Lazi, and on that point we are in complete agreement, but I think she commits too many sins to justify her high placement. She wins the damn challenge, but as far as I’m concerned she could have taken Morphine’s spot in the bottom. Give the win to Nymphia, put Lazi in the competition, whatever.

CLÁUDIO: I can’t make heads or tails of the makeover results. To me, Nymphia was the obvious best, and though I question Q’s styling, she really knew how to make the challenge work for her. Plane winning makes me feel like we dropped into a parallel universe where Peppermint won her makeover. Remember Winter Green? That was another case of a baby queen outshining her mother, but back then, the judges knew better than to reward it with a win. Like you said - whatever.

Morphine and Sapphira are our bottoms, made to lipsync to “Miss Me More” by the night’s obscure guest judge, Kelsea Ballerini. I’ll be frank - Morphine won that, but I understand why production chose to keep the season’s present frontrunner. It’s inconceivable to imagine a finale where Sapphira isn’t vying for the crown. And yet… shouldn’t the lipsync matter? That’s ostensibly the format of the show, even if they’ve historically messed with results to favor some queen over another. While Morphine was superior, I see what people mean about Sapphira’s performance having levels. I just wish I was more excited by it, more entertained. What say you? Am I crazy?

NICK: I appreciate Sapphira’s performance even if I agree she didn’t win this lip sync. Frankly, she and Morphine deserved to duke it out against a better track than “Miss Me More”, which is not the bop “Body” or “Dim All The Lights” were, but I don’t think Sapphira’s modulations beat Morphine’s star charisma. Did it play better in the room? Were the judges excited to see her pull out that split-hop routine she used for “Break My Soul”?

It’s a damn shame to lose Morphine. I still wanted more from her in this competition than she really gave, but she’s tremendously entertaining, and compared to other girls who went the distance or punitive “filler” queens, I really grew to appreciate her style and her personality. She’s such a good narrator, and I think the final four would be more exciting if she was there. Au revoir, Kirby.

Any last words on this episode? Any idea what the future may hold for us? I thought I knew. I really did.

CLÁUDIO: It’s hard to be excited about a new episode without Miss Love Dion’s fantastic narration, but we’ll need to make do. I’ll obviously miss her, which I didn’t think would be the case when the season started.

Up next, it’s the season’s last competitive episode and ultimate elimination before the finale. It seems to be a branding challenge, which gives me hope that Nymphia might pull it off. Then again, they seem pretty tired of her brand, so we might be saying goodbye to our banana freak. I surely hope not, but anything’s possible.