A Pizza Ranks the Celebrities Who Ate Him at the Oscars

I am no more.

But the glorious finale of my life, too brief though watched by millions, was sensual mastication in the mouths of the world's greatest beauties. My only regret, days later whether unnaturally purged or properly digested, is that I never reached the pillowy lips of the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award Winner.

To Angelina... my unrequited love!

10 Ellen DeGeneres for ordering me

09 [tie] Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart for pizza is love

07 Jennifer Lawrence

06 Jared Leto who had for too long forsaken my brothers and sisters.

05 Julia Roberts you have worshipped her megawatt smile but I have known it intimately.

04 Chiwetel Ejiofor who I voted for for Best Actor; and none for you Matthew McConaughey

03 Brad Pitt who so lovingly passed out the paper plates which did cradle me in those final moments and who held me so gently as his perfect teeth pulled desperately at my cheesy surfaces. I didn't mean to resist; I just wanted the moment to last forever.

02 Kerry Washington to provide sustenance to your unborn!

01 Meryl Streep who is the best at everything. Including devouring me. 

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"Unbroken" Is it Middlebrow WW II Oscar Bait or Something More?

Did you catch this preview of Angelina Jolie's Unbroken (2014) during the Olympics. The internet keeps calling it a "trailer" which it really isn't. I wish the internet would understand that words have meanings and the reason we often have multiple words for one type of thing is to illustrate the variations of meanings. Teaser, trailer, preview... these are different things. This paragraph you're reading is a "blog post" not "a blog" and so on) But I digress...

This early look at next year's Christmas movie Unbroken, which has slivers of the future trailer interspersed throughout, is like those very short historical reels meant to inspire you and tune you into some past Olympian story which illustrates the triumph of the human spirit / physical endurance right before you watch new Olympians reenact those ancient motifs again by trying to converts years of discipline, training, injuries, and personal struggles into medals for themselves and their countries.

I'm not really ready to talk 2014 Oscar race yet (geez, let's get through the 2013 festivities first!) but maybe Unbroken will be a biggie? I dunno, though. The Oscars are less susceptible to baldly straightforward 'Inspirational Triumph of the Human Spirit' narratives than they once were, right? Still, a screenplay by the Coen brothers suggests that it's maybe not as middlebrow World War II Oscar bait as it appears to be in this very traditional formula-friendly setting of Olympics coverage. Jolie isn't joking around on the below the line team either with Oscar regulars like Desplat (score), Sqyres (editing) and Deakins (cinematography) on board.

Regardless of whether it's an awards contender, though, it seems likely that this time next year it's relatively unknown stars Jack O'Connell (Skins, Eden Lake) in the lead role and Finn Witrock (the hustler on Masters of Sex) in support will be having some very happy holidays. (Domnhall Gleeson, Garrett Hedlund, and Jai Courtney are also in it but people already know who they are.)

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2014 Oscar predictions coming in April. Here's the current race.

Yes, No, Maybe So: Maleficent

My favorite moment of the Grammys Sunday night was the premiere of the Maleficent trailer set to Lana Del Rey's hypnotically sinister version of Disney's "Once Upon a Dream"! Runner up was Imagine Dragons. Second Runner Up was Madonna resurrecting "Open Your Heart" briefly while people of all persuasions married (awwww) thereby rescuing me from that obnoxious if well-intentioned "Same Love" rap (Keith Urban with his new handsome-lady haircut was also happy to be rescued as he was totally crying. But where was Mrs. Keith Urban Whom We Worship?). Fourth runner up was a tie between Pink and Lorde... but I digress and am running way off track with the tracks.

MALEFICENT!

Well well."

Let's talk about that "Dream" trailer only we're doing things a smidge differently because we're in a mood. We're going to judge every shot of it with our Yes No Maybe So™ system.

Ready? Go!

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She's Finally Got It!

Congratulations to Angela Lansbury! Mrs Iselin is finally clutching her own deserved Oscar gold! You can see her acceptance speech if you haven't yet after the jump...

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Maleficent Teases...

We'll save the Yes No Maybe So-ing for a full trailer, but Disney is now teasing Maleficent, their Spring 2014 blockbuster hopeful, with a Pfeifferesque Pfirst Poster and a new teaser which gives us our first taste of...

Well, if not the movie itself than its...

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