Team Experience: Queue Confessions

For this week's TFE contributors roundup, I thought I'd force a confession... but alas, I didn't manage to catch anything that embarrassed anyone, damnit! Except myself! My queue is stupid

WHAT'S NEXT ON YOUR DVD QUEUE?

Jose: The Red Shoes and the first four seasons of "Doc Martin" which I have to review for work.

JA: Simon Rumley's terrifically unsettling Red White and Blue which unsettled me, terrifically, last year and Undertow, that Peruvian movie which I think you interviewed the director. [Editor's Note: Yes, yes, I did.]

 Alexa (Curio): I'm really, really going to watch them when I'm not chasing my toddler or passing out: Gloria (John Cassavetes' film, not the one with Sharon Stone! This is a re-watch, I just like it) and Reform School Girls (the one with Wendy O Williams from 1986).

Robert (Distant Relatives): First up is The Circus, the only Chaplin silent comedy I haven't seen. It keeps coming back up and I keep bumping it back down because quite frankly, if I watch it then I'll never have the possibility of new Chaplin comedy in my life.  Then Soylent Green, part of the wife's ongoing attempt to school me in good sci-fi I've been too dismissive of.

Craig (Take Three): Lined up I have Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny And Girly (A wealthy clan kidnap bums and hippies and forces them to participate in an elaborate role-playing game in which they are the perfect family; those who refuse or attempt escape are ritualistically murdered) and pre-Ghostbusting Ivan Reitman's 1973 flick Cannibal Girls (A young couple spend the night in a restaurant, only to find out that it is haunted by three dead women who hunger for human flesh). So it's business as usual in my DVD player!

Michael (Unsung Heroes): First up is Let Me In. I'm caving on my anti-remake indignation and giving it a chance. After that is The Falcon and The Snowman. I've heard good things.

As for me, Nathaniel, I shall also confess. Next up for me is Dark Habits (Almodóvar) and uh... Ron Howard's The Dilemma.

WAIT. WHAT???

I think what happened was I starting this thing a few months ago where I started "saving" new releases thinking I would rent EVERYTHING that came out in 2011 and do some stupid little visual thing with it once they came out on DVD -- even if I didn't watch them -- and now I am realizing this means it is coming to my house, this Ron Howard movie with Kevin James.

NOOOooooOOOooooooo

What's up next in your DVD queues???
No cheating, people. CONFESS!

Team Experience: Swim with Mermaids, Ride on Gaga

This week I asked the contributing Film Experience team how they felt about Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and I also wanted to gauge whether we had any Little Monsters in our midst via Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" droppings.

You refused to see Pirates 4. What would ever bring you back to this franchise?

Michael: It's hard to imagine what could bring me back to the franchise at this point, (I feel like I only just got done sitting through At World's End) but a a 90 minute running time would be a step in the right direction.

Andreas: If Disney ever wants me to shell out for another Pirates movie, they'll have to go down a really surprising route, like selling it as "Andrei Rublev on the high seas." Or maybe they could introduce interesting characters! Some outrageous twist like that. What if they solved all their problems by just making Pirates 5 into Dead Man 2? They could bring in Jim Jarmusch to guest-direct, and use William Blake quotes for all of Jack Sparrow's dialogue!

Craig: Can they get all the sequels over with in one go and amalgamate the whole lot: The Hungover Kung-Fu Transformers of the Caribbean in the City of the Deathly Hallows Parts 2, 3 & 4 will be showing near you THIS SUMMER! Either that or they just cast the muppets instead of Depp, Cruz and company. I could easily do with another Muppets Treasure Island, thanks.

You saw Pirates 4. What did you think of the Mermaids?

Jose: The mermaids were truly preposterous! Where were their nice sea shell bras and their fuzzy crab and fish friends?

Although on the bright side, if it hadn't been for Syrena, we wouldn't have had a chance to see Sam Claflin shirtless. Is it only me or should Pé have played the queen of the mermaids instead of being stuck with that crappy character?

Kurt: It's such a shrug of a movie. That said, I liked the mermaids -- collectively, they were one of the film's very few inspired elements. The mermaid attack was the first action sequence I actually paid attention to. The depiction is neither totally accurate nor blasphemous. Just a new interpretation. And thank god for it.

What if Lady Gaga's "Borth This Way" was a movie?

Who should ride her cyborg self?

Andreas: I imagine Born This Way: The Movie as a cross between The Terminator, Showgirls, and Un Chien Andalou, but with extra preachiness thrown in. To be honest, I've always wanted Gaga to branch out into large-scale filmmaking just on the basis of the "Bad Romance" music video, so if she made exactly that, I'd be perfectly happy. The weirder, the better.

Jose: It would be a freaking Heavy Metal like extravaganza. Only two passengers should ever ride Gaga: Hedwig (from the Angry Inch)... 

...and  the Governator himself. Can you imagine those two in an action movie together?

Though you didn't ask who are they chasing/is chasing them  but I'll answer. There is only one being who can do that: Madonna. She needs to find the one camp movie role to make her a cinema icon.

Craig:  The Gaga videos to date, all strung together, are like a kind of movie anyway, aren't they? But if Born This Way were a movie it would be directed by Alan Smithee. Burn (rubber), baby, burn! Edward Furlong would clearly have to ride on Gaga's mutant-motorcycle. And Gaga herself would have to talk in a weird robo-Austrian-motor dialect. Doesn't she already do that in some of her songs anyway? It's part of her charm.

Kurt: If Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" were a movie, it would, of course be Labyrinth 2, and on the back of Gaga's cyborg motorcycle would ride David Bowie's Jareth, clad in his signature wig and junk-hugging leggings. Together, Gaga and Jareth would rule over their combined armies of little monsters, and anyone who spoke against their doubly strong maze of fabulousness would be swiftly tossed into the Bog of Eternal Stench.

YOUR TURN

• Who would you pay to see riding on Gaga's mutant-cycle?
• Do you prefer your mermaids carnivorous or sweet and tuneful?