Tuesday Ten: "Abduction"
Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 10:09PM Earlier today I got booted from an Oscar contender screening (Mexico's Miss Bala) that was over capacity. There was once this great thing called a "book store" (sound it out. I know it's unfamiliar) where it was easy to kill a couple of hours when you didn't have a laptop with you and something went wrong schedule wise. I've yet to find a suitable alternative so I went to the multiplex. The only movie starting at the right time to fill my schedule gap? ABDUCTION. I feel terrible about contributing to its box office gross but I will make it up to the cinema gods somehow (my first born child?). Don't judge me too harshly. I'm sure you've done something terribly terribly wrong in your life!
I'm opting to stay positive by listing... The Ten Best Things About Abduction
Best Trailer Screen Cap: Sigourney Weaver and Taylor Lautner with a huge black title card celebrating Sigourney Weaver covering his face. YES!!!
01 Sigourney Weaver has a fun entrance in one scene carrying a huge bouquet of balloons.
02 At one point the villain threatens to kill all of Taylor Lautner's fans* on Facebook. (*okay he says "friends" but some people deserve to die.)
03 The star's girlfriend's eyebrows are more masculine than his.
04 In the movie's best stunt Lautner hurts his ankle and he remembers to limp for most of the rest of the scene. ACTING!
05 The movie hides the face of one key character the whole time but the lips were enough to give him away. Hi, Dermot Mulroney! Also: I will now fantasize that Dermot Mulroney did this for the money and was smart enough to put it in his contract that his whole face not be shown and thus associated with this movie. If Maria Bello, Jason Isaac, and Sigourney Weaver had all done the same this movie would have been very avant garde what with the entire adult supporting cast only shown through extreme closeups of lips and eyes.
06 The climax takes place at a ball game and I was able to reminisce about how good Moneyball is.
07 Maria Bello has this really emotional scene opposite a block of wood that questions its provenance "Are you my mother?" And she totally sells her love for the block of wood! "I'm not your mother but you are my son." That's what a damn fine actor she is!
08 It ended.
I tried to get to ten. I honestly did!
It was terr-i-ble.
Reader Comments (11)
I'm sure it's not as bad as "Margaret", which i just watched a few hours ago... What a epic mess! Two and half hours of people (mostly women) yelling and shouting at each others. The only reason why i didn't scream or walk out was because J. Smith-Cameron was in the house.
Oh man, "Abduction" is HILARIOUS. Why did nobody notice neither of his parents (the fake ones OR the real ones) were of the same race as Lautner? All those hilarious close-ups of his "acting". The really bad effects during the train sequence. Weaver's "okie dokie". Everything. My cinema (those who were left, as quite a few walked out during the FREE evening screening) clapped in appreciation. Best laugh I've had in ages.
Does Weaver die in this? This is their 2nd film together Weaver and Mulroney -- the 1st was Copycat.
I shamefully admit that I watch it just to look at Taylor Lautner's face but seriously, he is as talented in acting as a new born baby. Even the baby Lily in Modern Family can act better than him. And the limping part, he did forget to limp at some point during all the chaos and who're on their right minds would not want to go to the hospital to fix the leg after everything is over?
I start to think I have to watch this just to enjoy all the funny damning reviews more...
Only watched this because of my fierce SigWeavie loyalty. The two least charismatic lead actors I've seen in quite some time, surrounded by a ridiculously strong supporting cast. Ready for Rampart.
This was really funny to read. If I've learnt something about internet, I'm predicting in a few years, he'll approach a "troubled" character and people will claim what an underrated actor he is.
Loved that you couldn't name 10 things. But honestly, it was much better than I thought, expected it to be a total trainwreck but it surpassed my expectation.
Sigourney Weaver is a national treasure and I want to see more of her!!
Number 3 is too, too funny-Taylor Lautner is one of those actors who I feel walks around in full makeup all day and all night, on the off-hand chance the paparazzi is nearby.
This post made my day. That's all I have to say.
Brill. I must admit though, Taylor Lautner's physical appeal is alien to me. The guy looks like an alpaca! He's practically another species (and not in a good, abtastic way either).