How Timothée’s Elio Changed Me
Sunday, December 27, 2020 at 12:00PM
Oscar nominee and Twitter boyfriend Timothée Chalamet celebrates his 25th birthday today. With a film career that spans less than a decade, Chalamet already made a huge cultural mark by becoming the youngest Best Actor nominee since 1939 for his work in 2017’s Call Me by Your Name. Adapted from the novel by André Aciman, the film tells the story of the romance between Elio (Chalamet) and Oliver (Armie Hammer) in the summer of 1983 in northern Italy. While Chalamet has continued to do interesting work, he has yet to match the widespread critical acclaim that he earned for this performance.
It is then just apt for me to celebrate his birthday by recounting the very precious moment of being introduced to him by watching Call Me by Your Name for the first time and its profound impact on me. This is going to be some candid storytelling so fasten your seatbelts...
When I first saw the trailer back in mid-2017, Call Me by Your Name immediately became my top priority must-see. However, I just watched it that one time; I wanted to go into the film as blindly as I could. (I had just graduated from film school and my friends there were all buzzing about the film. Some of them even picked up the novel.)
We usually get theatrical releases quite late in the Philippines, especially if the film hopes to be an Oscar contender. I was already preparing to wait until February 2018 if it even got a release here. That’s one of the reasons why I was rooting for the film to get a Best Picture nomination even before seeing it. I would have seen it in any form (you know what I mean) but I wanted the big screen experience.
Luckily, a local film festival had Call Me by Your Name as one of its foreign releases on the sidebar. I immediately contacted a friend who was also hoping to see it. I was working at an office at the time so I asked her to buy the tickets for us at the mall in the morning. Unfortunately, she didn’t get them. The lines were already long when she arrived at ten in the morning. I guess we underestimated how big the gay population is in Manila.
Even when the festival added a screening, it sold out quickly. I knew I would probably have to wait until the next year as the film had soon snagged a January 31st, 2018 release date in the Philippines. But with December came awards season and as the critics awards started to unfold, I got impatient. I had to resist the temptation to see the film in other ways knowing it wouldn't be the best experience.
While I was waiting, I was getting excited in my personal life because my longtime crush at the time had agreed to go out with me for the first time. However, it was a "friend" date; any potential for a romantic spark was gone months before. I was both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I was also recently unemployed so nothing was happening to distract me; I was all about the love. This point is important to mention while retelling these events; I was lovesick at the exact time I waited impatiently for the release.
And then, a surprise. On January 21st, I found out that ahead of the theatrical run on the 31st, Call Me by Your Name was going to have a sneak peek showing on both the 22nd and 23rd! I did not know that we had such things here in the Phillipines and I'd been so focused on the 31st. I immediately messaged my crush if he would want to watch the film with me. But I decided: whether he comes or not, I will watch the film.
The following day, my crush did not reply, but whatever.
Call Me by Your Name was not screening outside of Metro Manila and I live in the province so I had to travel for three hours to watch the film in the cinema with the best projection that I knew of. Given the amount of travel, I decided I'd watch three films that day: The Greatest Showman, Call Me by Your Name, and All the Money in the World. I was already listening to Sufjan Steven's songs, but I had no context at all for them.
I was late by thirty seconds to the first film of the day The Greatest Showman; they were already showing the production company logo and the foot-stomping opening song was \playing. I thought the film was good but incredibly lightweight. Great songs, but that’s it. There was a two-hour break between the end and my screening of Call Me by Your Name. I cannot remember what I did, but I probably just walked around the mall. Or stayed inside the public restroom stall to write in my small notebook about random Oscar stuff to kill time.
AND SUDDENLY, 6:55 PM CAME.
I picked the centermost seat in the cinema (as I always do). I tried my best to throw any Oscar talk far from my mind and just see it as a film. All of a sudden, Call Me by Your Name began unfolding right in front of my eyes. I had waited for so many months and it was worth it. It was and remains a glorious film that exudes so much beauty in every frame. It was cold in the cinema but I was feeling really warm, as if the sun-kissed skin of the actors radiated the same amount of heat for me. And with the film’s deliberate pacing, I was forced to stick with the actors and experience each and every moment with them. The movie exudes such relaxed sensuality, and it was truly a visceral experience unlike anything I had had at the cinema before.
And then, there was Timothée’s Elio: this lanky teenager who finds the arrival of Oliver, a stranger, into their home a curiosity. For the next two hours, nothing big happens except that we witness the slow blossoming of the romance between Elio and Oliver with the most beautiful of details.
Timothée is our anchor; the film lives or dies with him. What he captures in his performance as Elio is astonishing: the initial resistance, the petty annoyance, the suppressed euphoria, , the restless infatuation, the confounding guessing game, and all those nuances of the emotional journey before a romance blossoms.
It always makes me feel emotionally fragile when I see an actor open themselves up fully and let the character’s vulnerabilities be so accessible to us. Timothée was putting himself out there on the unpredictable roller-coaster of romance and lust. What Elio was going through was exactly what was resonating for me at that point in my life. I thought about the beauty of love and how it just creeps up on you until it is too late and you're already caught with the passion that's reverberating from your soul. It is both confusing and consuming, troubling and calming, lustful and melancholic. That wallop of emotions was all in Timothée’s vivid interpretation of Elio and the director Luca Guadagnino beautifully assured that he captured just that.
But the film understands that the aforementioned beauty of love isn’t just about being together. Every beautiful summer has to end. So does every summer romance. As Oliver’s time with Elio drew to an end, I felt the fear of losing someone you just discovered you needed. The temporal element of their relationship has been suspended because time just flies despite the boredom one might feel in the moment. So once they, especially Elio, are confronted with the brutal reminder that things have to end, there is an open wound that he struggles to hide. Oliver just opens something in Elio and... leaves. Oliver has a life to go back to, but Elio is merely returning to the place where their love grew. Elio’s room, Oliver’s clothes, the empty hallways of the house, the books on the shelves - all are now reminders of the romance.
With Elio feeling lost, so was I. Then came Michael Stuhlbarg as Elio’s father, giving a speech I wish I had heard when I was a teenager. Elio’s reflex after feeling so much pain is to pull back and kill the emotions that he is having. It's a completely normal human reaction, a way to get through the pain. You numb yourself to the existence of the emotions. Elio’s father disagrees and warns him away from that path. In an extended pep talk, his father tells him to cherish his feelings. The same thing that Elio is trying to kill inside of him is the the thing that gives beauty in life. With joy comes pain. Yin and yang, they are inseparable. To say that this scene just gave me all the emotions is an understatement.
In that same moment, I was confronted by the fact that my own personal love might never be reciprocated, but that it is one of the things that makes life beautiful. Love is not just something to experience with someone. You already cherish it even before it bursts from you soul and you reach for it when you can't hold on to it. It is okay to feel pain in love and in life. That's the beauty.
When I reached the final scene of the film - Elio staring at the fireplace after hearing that Oliver is already getting married - I couldn't cry. But Elio confronts the moment head on. He might be doing it by himself, but he is no longer afraid to face it. In a single uninterrupted take, Elio looks at the fire as a reminder of the passionate romance that was ultimately set to end. It ended during the summer of 1983 and it has ended again with this news. Elio has now learned his lesson and he is experiencing both the pain and joy of the love that he and Oliver had. This is no longer the Elio that we saw at the beginning of the film. He has truly come of age.
I remember prematurely feeling “I’m no longer afraid of pain” or some random bullsh*t as I left the film. I was not able to process the emotions because I had to run to the next theater to watch All the Money in the World. That was fine. I did not know what to feel just yet. Three vastly different films and quick commutes between them were not the best situation in which to meditate on the feelings. But at midnight it was now time to take the three-hour bus ride home.
Then I made what my biggest mistake of that day: as I was looking out the bus window and I decided to play Sufjan Stevens’s “Visions of Gideon”, the song that was playing when Elio was crying in front of the fireplace. I was in ruins, tears running down my face. I was just devastated. The feeling persisted for days; I was not able to watch any films or even listen to any songs. I was just mostly in my bedroom, quietly reeling from the experience of watching the film.
Two days later and I’m still thinking about these things: “Elio’s last shot, Oliver’s voice, the father’s monologue, the Sufjan Steven songs, the warm cinematography, the naked bodies”.
And yes, that was directly pulled from my journal dated Jan. 24, two days after I watched it.
Call Me by Your Name did get the Oscar nominations that it needed, but it deserved much more. I did know at the time that it was not a surefire contender. I was just relieved that it was recognized. But more than that, I saw the film as a film, and not just as an awards contender to get behind to. I treasure it deeply. And inasmuch as it was Luca Guadagnino’s masterful vision that ultimately shaped the film the way that it is, the film also owes so much to Timothée’s soulful interpretation of Elio. And I owe him, too.
This was the performance that I needed to see at that exact point in my life. It made me hate my lovesick self less. To this day, Timothée's performance still has an incredible impact on me. It's made me less fearful of meeting new people, falling in love, feeling the pain and facing my fears. That sounds cheesy as heck (I know), but it's true. I know Timothée is bound to do great things in his still young career, but he will always be Elio to me.
I'll wrap up by citing what I wrote in my Jan. 22, 2018 entry:
It feels so sensual, tangible, erotic, organic, and real. Heck, I felt every moment of it. And I feel attacked by this film. Every nuance adds up.
The joy of falling in love. The uncertainty of feeling attraction slowly creeping within. The childish jealousy. The immature provocation. The teenage impulse. The eagerness. The inescapability of letting go a short-lived friendship. The slow destruction of the what-ifs into the what-coulda-beens.
I am in love with every inch and every minute of this film. I feel lost and found while watching this film. I want to cry with Elio, laugh with Oliver, talk to Mr. Perlman, and make love with Elio and Oliver.
My senses feel awakened. I became more conscious of my emotions. It connected with me so deeply. The ending left me cornered, attacked, and then injured. I will treasure the experience of watching this film forever. Perfect, perfect, perfect. I’m writing this whole entry to “Visions of Gideon”. Probably a bad idea, but whatever.
With that, I say my deepest thanks to Timothée Chalamet for the gift of Elio. Happy 25th birthday, Timmy!
Do you remember the first time you saw Call Me by Your Name?
Reader Comments (32)
That final shot is heartbreaking,I find myself almost blubbing uncontrollably,I have a feeling it's cos i'm older and that first flush of love as a youth is long gone for me and I know that feeling Elio has and Timothee conveys so well.
A nice thoughtful piece and for me I don't think he'll ever top that fireside shot of the phone call.
The best Performance of decade, period.
I had a similar reaction when I watched Maurice in the ‘90s. Thanks for sharing.
Very sweet that the movie and performance affected you so much. I think you might feel differently about a straight actor playing such an iconic gay role YET AGAIN once you are older and wiser but it is a good performance nonetheless.
LOVE this write up. I think he and Lucas Hedges are the best young actors we have now.
Juan Carlos, ignore Adam’s patronizing comment. That’s a separate conversation that has nothing to do with your personal experience of this film. We go to the movies to feel. When we’re really lucky, we learn about ourselves there, too, like you did. Brava for sharing so much of your heart.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I grew up far from the city as well, so I can really relate to traveling far to see an indie movie!
Thank you for sharing. Stuhlbarg's monologue was one of the most powerful speeches of the last decade. I felt like Jennifer Garner's speech in Love, Simon was almost a beautiful echo, and it also stole that movie.
What a lot of crap. An old guy fucking a kid and you're all applauding.
"An old guy"? The character was 24 (the actor was 30). And the "kid" was 17 (the actor was 21).
This performance is genius and I was a huge Thimothee fan back then, until he became part of Woody Allen's executioners. Still, I LOVE this performance.
Beautiful writing, thank you for that.
Call Me By Your Name also holds a special place for me, and many others I know. Michael Stuhlbarg has never been better, best supporting actor for me that year.
Thank you so much for sharing this story.
@RDJ. I agree with you about Lucas Hedges
@pedro. You are so right. I felt the same when I saw Maurice.
@I am a gay man, too. But I have to disagree with you. Playing a person that is "different" from you and making it work is part of the actors work. If we follow your logic, then we should often complain. "Oh! YET AGAIN a straight character played by a gay actor." We can't have it both ways, you know. If we're going to be strict, then that should apply to everyone.
I forgot to mention. Check out this film in development at the imdb: "FIND ME". That's a Call Me by Your Name sequel that they've been announcing for some time. Guadagnino is back at the helm and the whole cast is returning. At one point it was mentioned that the sequel would deal with the aids crisis. And Guadagnino was probably contemplating turning this into a trilogy.
Oh, he was great in that film and I do love seeing him. Plus, I enjoyed him on SNL as he is fucking hilarious. I could see him become a future member of the five-timers club.
Chalamet has such charisma and sensuality in his Elio. A truly star moment!
I also really like Timothee in The King. That film and his performance is so underrated
Happy Birthday, Chalamet!
Thanks for sharing your experience, every time I read an experience like yours, I'm reminded of my own and the similarities I have seen everywhere: cant get the film out of our minds, Elio /Chalamet great performance, the fathers speech, that fucking ending. As a proud member of the gay community for many years I want to congratulate you on recognizing exceptional talent and will probably never be so morally stifling that you would only accept a gay actor playing a gay character. Chalamet's performance has probably done more for furthering acceptance than some random swish in a Ryan Murphy fantasy.
Oh wow.
Beautiful write-up.
This is similar for you as Weekend is to me - it was such a specific moment in my life where I watched it that it got to me in such a way that I’ve never been able to watch it again - but I remember every frame so well.
Here’s to movies 😍
Lovely review, Juan!
Quick question. Are films dubbed or subtitled in the Philippines? I'm wondering how you experienced this film in your local theater. You have a clear command of the English language, but I won't assume that everyone does there. Thanks!
Thank you all for your kind words.
@ Morgan:
To this day, I am terrified to rewatch CMBYN. I don't just casually put it on. Old wounds come back and it becomes another downward spiral for me. And I'm also very precious of my first time watching it so I am protective of my memories.
@ Ian:
In the Philippines, English language films are not subtitled or dubbed. For non-English language films, they are subtitled UNLESS it was promoted that they were dubbed (and that's rare and usually only happens with anime). For CMBYN, only the Italian and French parts are subtitled.
Most Filipinos actually know English well. We are taught how to speak, read, and write in English at a very young age (starting from 3-4 years old). And there are many Filipino writers who thrive in English!
I was one of those scrambling to get those tickets in one of those festival screenings (I'm a veteran film festival watcher so I know some of those big ticket titles can sell out quick). I gave up when the schedule I wanted and was most convenient for me sold out on advanced tickets online. So I went to the ticket booth to buy the other two films I wanted to see scheduled for that day and out of the blue, I asked, "Is there still any CMBYN tickets left?" not expecting anything. But lo and behold, the queer gods were good and there was still a few left and I grabbed one of them. Felt very lucky indeed.
@Irvin: OH MY GOSH.
I don't have the heart to take a chance on those lines. I just saved myself from the misery of being disappointment. I do want to say that I think it worked out for me; I really love watching films in cinemas with as few people as possible.
@Juan Carlos
I remember it was a packed screening...and I even saw some of my fellow Filipino cinephile FB friends seated near me. NO ONE stood up during the end credits. I watched it again during the regular theatrical run and it wasn't as packed (but a fairly healthy amount for an artsy LGBTQ film on limited release) and again, no one left during the end credits. It's extraordinary. "CMBYN" is my personal favorite LGBTQ film, my #1 of 2017 and my #4 of the 2010's.
What a great piece. Loved hearing your personal connection to the film. That's what's so rewarding about the movies. They may be made for the masses, but the great ones manage to create a personal relationship with members of the audience. Completely agree with all your points about Timothee's performance. It's so rare and wonderful for an actor to display all of their raw emotions. Thank you for this great post!
Juan Carlos, I really enjoyed reading your story. Isn't it great shen a cinema trip turns out to mean so much? I guess we all have examples of films that we just adored in the cinema - that feeling when you emerge from the auditorium and you know the film has changed you. I felt similarly the first time I saw Call Me by Your Name - I had been looking forward to seeing it but it took me by surprise. Stunned silence followed!
@ Chris:
Thank you so much. That means a lot, coming from you. I love it when a film goes beyond being a film and becoming an integral part of one's personal life.
@ Edward:
Right? And I love the experience when I know I have to take time to process the film after. Truly, CMBYN was the right film at the right time for me.
Juan Carlos,
Sorry if this is old news, but: Did you read the novel itself? I ask only because my Queer Studies professor recommended I read the whole damn thing even though she was only going to speak on the final part ("Ghost Spots" it's titled) because she knew I'd fall in love with it.
Not only was she right, I adapted my very own screenplay of CMBYN as part of my senior thesis. This was way back in 2007, when probably three people knew about the novel (though the rights had already been sold, btw, as a reply from Aciman to my request for them, haha, I know, the nerve of me).
Anyway, the point: If the movie touched you this deeply, the novel will only add to that, as it remains, despite its own pretensions and excesses, the superior version of the story.
As for Chalamet, I'm definitely in the "talented, but I don't see it" camp, but I'll just keep my mouth shut since I know he's everyone's favorite child and whatnot.
Lovely read, thank you. And Sufjan for the win! (I have the Peach Edition vinyl of the soundtrack and the transparent vinyl of just Sufjan's songs, both absolutely prized possessions).
I was lucky enough to get into the festival screenings at Trinoma. They must have recognized demand and oversold tickets as people were sitting in the stairs.
I remember being mesmerized by that last shot and Timothee's face kept me from shouting at the people to sit down and appreciate it as people started leaving just because the credits had started rolling. :/
A lovely story, Juan. Thank you.
I hope the script improves Find Me because that novel is a load of crap. I had to check the title page to confirm Aciman wrote it.
I am one of yours!!!!
I felt like you during many days.
Moving story! Happy birthday for him too.
Beautiful, beautiful article, Juan. As an out, gay man for the best 20 years, Timmy does give the performance of the decade (movie-side). Carrie Coon and Paul Mescal have the honors sewn up television side for "The Leftovers" and "Normal People" respectively. These three titanic performances are ones I will revisit until the end of time.
As Elio, Timmy gives a perfect performance. No other actor, gay or straight, could have pulled off what he did. There are roles certain actors were born to play. The fact that this young, straight actor at the beginning of an undoubtedly long career achieves what he does in this role is a feat of true astonishment. Elio, and Timmy, forever!!