Stupid News of the Decade: Chloe Moretz as "Carrie"

Sigh.

Breaking news: Chloe Moretz has accepted the lead role in the remake of Carrie. The news broke. It broke all the goodness in the world.

Not that a remake of Carrie wasn't a uniquely terrible idea all on its own without a hand from Chloe! The original is bloody perfect and Sissy Spacek's fragile overwhelmed and finally furiously catatonic performance is unimproveable. Frankly it's the stupidest casting I've heard since that time decades ago when Nicolas Cage was going to play Superman. This is like asking George Clooney to play an ugly unsophisticated charmless schlub virgin or asking Tilda Swinton to be uninteresting. Some things are just impossible.

No matter what one thinks of Chloe as an actress there is this fact: she exudes confidence. She's like a teflon teen. Not one atom in her body seems fragile or confused or meek. Yes, yes, she's an actress and you can play things other than yourself. But. But. Everything about her persona / aura / being reads wrong for this. She'd be more convincing remaking Aliens as Ripley or remaking No Country for Old Men as Anton Chigurh. Or maybe The Silence of the Lambs as both Clarice and Hannibal. This is what happens when Hollywood bases their casting on "who's hot" and does it without imagination.

Executive: "Hey, we've seen her bloodsplattered (Let Me In) and killing (Kick Ass) already. She can do that. ZOMG she's perfect for it!!!"

Kimberly Peirce is directing. She started off strong with Boys Don't Cry (1999). Her second feature Stop Loss (2008) had its moments but barely caused a blip. This third outing can't end well. And I don't mean for the kids at the prom.

I'm trying to be nice but JA gave this the most apt funny headline... "Chloe Moretz Burns in Hell"

Yes, No, Maybe So: "Dark Shadows"

I meant to start the Burtonjuice series tonight, a full retrospective of Tim Burton each Thursday night, but that might have to wait one more Thursday. Because we're all Burton'ed out after watching the trailer to Dark Shadows twice in a row to see if it was for real.

Are you for real, trailer?

The trailer runs its mouth but does not answer.

It blabbers, nudges and winks, spreads its finger claws dramatically then goes back to amusing itself. We're glad someone is amused.

So let's break it down with our Yes, No, Maybe So system. 

YES

• It does appear that Eva Green is having some fun with her role. Particularly fun is the ass on the piano bit and her deranged in-your-face sexuality.
• Green reminds me a bit of Lisa Marie here. I know that Tim Burton has long since moved on to Helena Bonham-Carter but don't you kind of miss Lisa Marie? I do.
• Production Designer Rick Heinrichs is clearly enjoying this Production Designer's Dream Project.

• As is the costume designer.
• Ummm... I'll think of something else. I will.

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Say What? Jessica & Chloe

Amuse us. Add a caption or dialogue for this photo of Jessica Chastain and Chloe Moretz from last night's BFCA red carpet...

You know you want to!

Absolutely Linkulous

THIS JUST IN: Brett Rattner has resigned as producer of the Oscar telecast after his gay slur this weekend at a Q&A. So we don't even need to link you to Mark Harris's sharp opinion piece about why they should fire him. Good. Let us wash our hands of this one and move on... although I'm still more worried about him ruining Wicked for all time than ruining the Oscars for one year. The Oscars survive everything.

Coming Soon we're going to get a youth-centric fictional film about the adventures of the young Leonardo da Vinci.
Hollywood Reporter interviews the recipients of the upcoming honorary Oscars including Her Oprahness 
Tom and Lorenzo object to this new pictorial of Chloe Moretz
VGL Bruce Weber shoots Weekend star Tom Cullen (left). I think this is the most clothed I've ever seen a Weber shoot but beautiful pics. I hope Cullen and co-star Chris New have the offers rolling in now. (For movies, not more photoshoots!)
Buzz Feed speaking of photoshoots -- that's three links in a row. it's all about eye candy today I guess -- here's Jonathan Lipnicki the tiny tot from Jerry Maguire more than all grown up.
Empire Stephen King's bizarre "Rose Madder" novel is coming to the screen with Naomi Sheridan (In America) winning screenplay duties.

Deadline an AbFab movie to follow three television specials. Patsy and Edina will live forever
Rookie Magazine Really really fantastic interview with Joss Whedon on his Shakespeare movie Much Ado About Nothing (see previous post), The Avengers, his fascination with tough and capable teenage girls, and how Wonder Woman was a bit Angelina Jolie-ish.
Twitch Film first stills from Rodrigo Cortes Buried follow up, a thriller called Red Lights with Cillian Murphy. Robert DeNiro, Sigourney Weaver and Elizabeth Olsen co-star. 
i09 has clips from Arthur Christmas, one of our animated feature contenders, and they label it "kind of fun" 

Quote of the Day from Vanity Fair

We’ve finally answered the question, ‘Apples or oranges?’.”

The opening of David Fincher's unused Best Director acceptance speech earlier this year. Ha! Perfection. I didn't think I could love him more but I was wrong. Aaron Sorkin wrote the article that's attached to so, duh, it's a great read.

Red Carpet: "Women in Hollywood", The Event

In Red Carpet Convos, a rotating group of panelists looks at what people are wearing to events like The Emmys, film festival premieres, and various random events, and use it for an excuse to talk about actresses. Today's guest is Guy Lodge from In Contention. 

Nathaniel: The annual Women in Hollywood even took place this weekend -- or perhaps Monday? all the days be running together lately -- so let's start with the Household Names. You can just say "Pfeiffer", "Aniston", "Witherspoon" and "Heigl" and everyone knows who you're talking about. Even people  that don't go to the movies (strange strange people, though they be!)

the über famous

Guy: You know it's the Women in Hollywood event because This Is Serious and Serious Women Do Not Wear Color.
Nathaniel: Michelle has been serious her whole life. If she's feeling unusually frisky she'll throw a red at'cha but it's almost always, 90% of the time, black.
Guy: As if she needs its slimming effect.
Nathaniel: Right.

Guy: I realize that to say a word against Pfeiffer at the Pfilm Experience is a bit like pissing on the crucifix in a cathedral, but I"m... not crazy abotu this look on her? The mid calf length, combined with the severity of the black, is a bit schoolmarmy.
Nathaniel: Well, you're a good sport about my dissings of Aniston so I can take it.
Guy: It's interesting that her belt resembles a roll of film, though, since she seems to have so little interest in the medium these days.
Nathaniel: [sniffle] I do love that she's gone all out with the detailing though to make up for the absence of color.

Guy: Yes, Pfeiffer's always been good with the details -- the glasp on her purse -- CLASP not glasp-- on her purse looks a bit like the vial from Death Becomes Her.
Nathaniel: You were thinking "[gasp] NOW a warning?!?" which is totally understandable because Michelle is 53 years old so she's clearly been to see Lisle for that age-defying potion. 

We have to discuss the psychological profiling of their individualistic choices in cleavage, though. Immediately Reese is confusing me because when i first saw this i swear to god i was thinking "chest hair". it totally threw ‬me.
 

Guy: I'm glad I'm not the only one puzzled by it. I was wondering if she has a giant sunflower tattoo in progress on her chest -- just the petals haven't been added yet.
Nathaniel: Decolattage as character profile: Pfeiffer: angular, classic; Aniston: freewheeling California golden; Reese: .....; Katharine:" Look at me! No, don't look at me. Ack. What am I doing?" 
Guy: Still, I'm grateful for Reese's weird chest-lace. It's the only thing  keeping her from looking like she's abotu to sell me a house.
Nathaniel: Tell her the price is too high! Too high! 

poll by twiigs.com

Nathaniel: Another fun game we could play is "Which of these four women has the worst taste in scripts?"

More on these superstars and nine more actreses after the jump.

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