Hit Me With Your Best Shot: "Ladyhawke"

Time for Season 3 of Hit Me With Your Best Shot. Wednesday evenings.

from left to right: Goliath, Navarre (Rutger Hauer) and Isabeau (Michelle Pfeiffer's stunt double)

I thought we'd kick off this season with a personal favorite from the 80s. I use the word favorite emphatically because in many ways, Ladyhawke (1985) is a movie with a confusing relationship to objective quality. It's both great and bad, the score arguing that it's a feature that absolutely should not exist outside of 1985 while the mythic story fights for timelessness. The sound (Oscar-nominated) has wonderful details, maximizing the earthly details of fluttering wings, wolf howls and horse hooves while also embracing the transcendently romantic voices (Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer) but it's marred by jarring score cues that take you out of the action and weird post-production "comedy" vocal work from extras. It feels, at least for its first half, like it's a movie with several authors and endless studio interference from people who didn't believe in a romantic fantasy epic in a time long before fairy tales were hot commodities and sword and sorcery epics were the furthest thing from bankable. So, would you laugh at me if I claimed I thought it was thisclose to being a classic? People are always reediting the Star Wars prequels to try to make them into the movies they should have been but the fantasy with the easiest fix to nudge it from punchline to greatness is Ladyhawke.

The one area where Ladyhawke can lay legitimate claim to greatness without lengthy conditional explanations is in the cinematography of three-time Oscar winner Vittorio Storaro (most famous for Apocalypse Now and various Warren Beatty epics). Many films throughout history have used sunsets and sunrises for their sheer beauty but Ladyhawke's reliance on light is more than vanity; it's storytelling.

Pfeiffer's beauty and Hauer's pain after the jump

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"Burtonjuice. Burtonjuice. Burtonjuice."

Tim Burton was one of my very first movie loves. I fell out of love abruptly when Planet of the Apes crash-landed but the divorce was lengthy and complicated. My lawyers cited irreconcilable differences (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), emotional neglect (Sweeney Todd) and physical visual abuse (Eyesore in Wonderland) and we thought we had a great case. But somehow Burton still won in court and our alimony is now paid in movie tickets; we are required to see all his movies no matter how terrible!

But by returning to his first stab at greatness with the upcoming Frankenweenie expansion in October and reuniting with his Batman Returns superstar Michelle Pfeiffer for the upcoming Dark Shadows in May, how can we not feel nostalgic for our failed marriage to that wild haired auteur?

A retrospective calls.

BURTONJUICE begins March 15th and we'll do it each Thursday until we finish the movies and/or we can't stand it anymore whichever comes first. (My bets on the latter.) Will you relive the ecstasy and torture with me? I can't go through it alone! If I ask you to "hold me" by the Christmas decorations, the proper response is (say it with me) "_ ____" even if you don't have scissors for hands.

FYC Best Supporting Actress Michelle Pfeiffer

Too early?

In all seriousness though, the only thing we know for certain about the 2012/13 Oscars is that Dark Shadows will be up for Costumes (Colleen Atwood) and Art Direction (Rick Heinrichs). The Burton Factory can usually bank on those honors. I'd also personally like to thank Ms. Atwood ahead of time for La Pfeiff's plunging neckline with fancy Medieval cross necklace. Love.

Sorry! As you were. Back to the 2011/2012 Oscars for 33 more days. Every Oscar chart is updated.

Carpet Convo: New Years Eve & War Horse

Nathaniel: R‪eaders. Welcome back to red carpet convos... It's been forever since we did one which you may interpret as Nathaniel tripping on his heels or stars not bringing it to events or, more accurately, time management issues. But I was actually on a red carpet this week so I figured it was time to reboot the series. Let's start with the glitziest red carpet which was for New Year's Ev‬e. A carpet I was not on. 

Jose: But you should've been! At least to congratulate Lea Michele for not doing one of her obnoxious red carpet faces.

Nathaniel: ‪She seems to be going for some World Record for most photographed (2010-2011). Every time you see events like this the photographers seem to snap 100 photos of her to every 4 of anyone els‬‬e. You'd think she was the star of a TV phenom or something.

Lea, Hilary, Abby, Zac, 'chelle

I love ...but I have a thing for Broadway Babies. Always have. Other things I have a thing for: plunging necklines and champagne dresses on brunettes.

Jose: ‪I find her obnoxious but LOVE the dress and the hair. I think it's the first time where i have no objection whatsoever to how she looks. She often ‪looks too severe and constipated, this is perfect though. Makes me want to go drink with ‬her.

Nathaniel: Hilary wants to go with you guys. "Pick me!"

Jose: She's not invited. The two of them together would be too annoying. 

Nathaniel: But, awwww, she seems so... eager.

Jose: Well she should. Isn't she doing her "forgive me for loving dictators" tour right now?

Nathaniel: I must have the concert tee!

Jose: I'm surprised she didn't show up in a Captain America costume.

Nathaniel: That makes me want to put her in a Wonder Woman outfit. Photoshop Attack! If you wrap a golden lasso around Hilary Swank think of all the truths that would spill out. "I did not deserve my second Oscar" ... "I thought Amelia was boring, too!"... "____complete the sentence in the comments_____"...

Jose: OMG Is that Abigal Breslin? When did she start looking like Nia Vardalos?  I hate that she's all old now.

Nathaniel: What are you? a Hollywood executive? "Get her to a nursing home!" Jesus. She's only 15. Don't feel old, Jose. Young starlets grow up fast.

Jose: I'll want to tear my eyes out when she kisses someone in that movie! She's my Little Miss Sunshine. She shouldn't be kissing boys. I just want cute child stars to retire when they hit puberty. Unless they're Jodie Foster.

Pfeiffer, Tori Amos Tangent and War Horses of different colors (actually just one) after the jump. 

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Michelle Talking Nonsense

To rework an old and enormously stupid cliché, I could see a movie wherein Michelle Pfeiffer reads aloud from the pfone book for two hours and still feel the ticket price was justified. (Though I'd probably complain if she didn't read some of the names with icy contempt, some with 'girlfriend wha?' mall mom familiarity, and others with erotic surrender just to get the pfull range of Pfeifferisms in there). So even when she's spouting utter nonsense like in this video chat with MTV, I love to watch her.

She's talking about Tim Burton and Dark Shadows and in the first screengrab she's saying:

I hope it's successful so we can do a bunch of them!"

In the second she's saying...

That's what we love about Tim's movies. They're not run of the mill. They don't easily fit into one genre. It always is this 'wait and see' kind of thing. 

In both cases: utter nonsense! A) she never does sequels and it took her 19 years to make her second Tim Burton picture so don't get your hopes up for several Dark Shadows follow ups. and B) Tim Burton movies don't fit into a genre because they're their own. If any director has a BRAND it's Burton. There is no waiting to see; we know exactly what we're going to get each time. Whether or not that's still a good thing is the subject of debate.

Video is after the jump if you're interested.

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