The Dirty Secret of Spring Breakers

Hi everyone, Tim here; you may know me from my film review blog Antagony & Ecstasy, from my dogged commitment to the Film Experience’s own Hit Me with Your Best Shot or you may not have the damnedest idea who I am and don’t care. But I’m going to be with you on Thursdays for at least a little while now, with a weekly column, where we’ll talk about… well, that’s the trick, isn’t it? Movie stuff. Whatever seems to be interesting about the new movies poking their heads around that particular week: something particular about the way a movie was put together, or conceived, or, in this case, sold.

The dirty secret of the film industry is that it exists to be profitable. It actually does good to be reminded of that, because even in the case of the costliest, sprawlingest tentpole movies, we tend to act like that the filmmakers are our buddies, or some such; but it’s true of even the most independent-minded, anti-commercial cinema that it’s actually supposed to make some sort of money. Sad as it is to think, even microbudget indies that cost fractions of pennies by movie budget standards are still wildly expensive by actual human being standards, and if they constantly hemorrhage money, then it would be impossible to keep making them.

All of which is to say: I truly don’t begrudge Annapurna Pictures the right to turn a profit on Spring Breakers, more...

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"Worst" of 2011. A Quick Purge

year in review part whichever

I use the term "worst" loosely as I am generally not paid to see the obviously terrible films that open all year round. Plus, I'm not feeling the negativity this year. Or, rather, I'm trying not to feel it. With Bridesmaids and Melancholia both speaking so eloquently on the subject of depression this year like some perfect if unlikely double feature (more on that soon) why should I wallow in my own? No, 2011 was a good year for cinema. So here is a very quick purge of the things that momentarily led me to believe otherwise. 

Hell's Multiplex
Hell's multiplex has noisy audiences, crying babies, constant texting, and 50 million miniature screens showing only 50 movies, a million microscopic screens for each sorry movie! All of them requiring 3D glasses... even the ones in 2D. I wisely avoided the films I thought might play there -- if I hear the names Nicolas Cage, Adam Sandler or Kevin James or "Part One" I run -- though I inadvertently stumbled on a few grotesqueries. I've no wish to bury amateurish festival films but bigger names and wider releases are fair games. The 8 worst films I saw this year, then, were:

• Beastly and...
• I Am Number Four 
  This Double Feature of Dickery tops the list (bottoms the list?), with both of the films starring Prince Charmless himself Alex Pettyfer. What possessed his management to give the go ahead on Beastly in particular in which he must sell -- and sells all too well -- utter despicability of character devoid of all traditional humanity? And selling that so well while playing the hero?
• Abduction [reviewed]
• Cars 2 -Cars was Pixar's previous worst film. So naturally all of Cars's worst impulses were jacked up for the sequel. Michael said it best to me when we were leaving the screening "It's like George Lucas deciding to make a Star Wars prequel with Jar Jar Binks as the lead character!"
• Green Lantern [reviewed]
• J Edgar - Less outright terrible than devoid of any reasonable expectations of entertainment value or historical insight. Cliche filled stuff spun from complex fascinating real life. [reviewed]
• The Other Woman [reviewed]
• Kaboom [reviewed]

Michelle & Nicole in widely hated filmsWorst Reviewed Movies of 2011 That I Myself Did Not See
New Year's Eve and Trespass ...yes I have every intention of seeing these two films; I am willing to suffer for my Pfandom and my Kidmania. But I'm no hurry. But those I intentionally avoided include: Jack and Jill, Just Go With It, The Roommate, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, Season of the Witch, Red Riding Hood, Dream House, Zookeeper, I Don't Know How She Does It, The Rite, The Smurfs and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Worst Actress
True story Part 1: I had never* seen Vanessa Hudgens act before seeing Beastly.
True Story Part 2: I still haven't seen her act because no reasonable person could call it such. 

Mating Rituals From Hell's Multiplex: BEASTLY

Worst Actress That Has Been Good In Other Things
If you figure out what Abbie Cornish was doing in W.E. besides counting down the days till the shoot ended please share this information. But my guess is that's what was going on because otherwise I can't figure it...

Worst Actor
Let's play "Jeopardy" instead...

Violins, totem poles, Grandma Willow, trees, 'Mr. Pointy', antiques, wardrobe, pianos, chaise lounge, picket fence, Treebeard, staves, matches, witch's broom... 

??? 

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Red Carpet: Crazy Stupid Pockets, Friends With Penis Dresses

‪Nathaniel: For this episode of Red Carpet Convos, I'm joined by our resident fashion-obsessive Jose and Guy Lodge of In Contention. We begin with a Lineup, culled from the premieres of Friends With Benefits, Horrible Bosses, and Captain America, respectively. This triple feature is now available at your local multiplex.‬

Emma Stone, Jennifer Aniston, Captain & Love Interest, Somebody

Guy: Oh, I see why you got me for this one
Jose: hehe I see Jen again
Nathaniel: Guy, I should admit right up front that I think Jen looks hot here and I mean that both ways.
 Jose: ‬ ‪is that thing made out of leather?‬
Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Right? IN THE SUMMER.‬
 Guy: ‬ ‪Ha! I like that, in playing her first real vamp character, she's committed to the cause off-camera‬
It's like something Angie would have worn back when she was still fun.
 Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Spoken like a totally biased member of Team Aniston. Grrrr! I'm sorry but the news told me that it's over 100˚ outside -- I'm pretending outside doesn't exist (curtains drawn, air conditioning at full blast) -- so i can't even deal looking at this.‬
 ‪Guy: ‬ ‪But it's short! At least her legs are breathing.‬
 ‪
Jose: ‬ ‪speaking of which, both Jen & Angie tend to do the same over and over when it comes to clothes, so I'm actually thrilled that this time Jen gave her standard look (black and mini) a slight twist‬
 ‪Guy: ‬ ‪That's a very good point -- and the hair looks a little choppier and more summery. (Sorry, this is getting stalker-y on my part)‬
 ‪Jose: ‬ ‪I still never will get dress pockets though, especially in such a tiny dress, does she have her whips and feathered handcuffs in there?‬
Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Or mash notes from Guy.‬ And a restraining order.

Guy: ‬ ‪I'm all for dress pockets. Why should guys get all the comfort?‬
 ‪Jose: ‬ ‪because we don't get to have fabulous bags * sad face *‬
 ‪Guy: ‬ ‪I like stars who go a little bit casual (but still chic) for premieres -- save the real glamour for awards season, otherwise we'll never know when it ends.‬
Nathaniel:‬ ‪Point: Guy. But I don't approve of pockets on anything unless they're holding treats inside for pets... or hungry fans.‬
 ‪Guy: ‬ ‪ ‪Anyway, at leat Jen's pockets aren't on the OUTSIDE of her dress. What's going on with Emma Stone?‬
 ‪Jose: ‬ ‪don't mess with Lanvin, Guy!‬
Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Her pockets are big enough to fit other starlets inside. If those are indeed pockets. I feel compelled to tell you that this is my least favorite color combination that has yet been invented.
 

‪Jose: ‬ ‪her dress makes me sad for two reasons‬.‬ ‪it's obviously from the collection where Juli got hers for January and i think they would've been MUCH better if they had switched them, apparently pale redheads dig crazy pink Lanvin? ‪I do think it's a fantastic, bold look though, a bit too old for Emma maybe, but I loooooove it‬

 ‪Guy: ‬ ‪I actually like the red-pink clashing and the mini-Alexis Carrington shoulders... but it'd look so nice and trim without the sewn-on clutch bags. (I realise she's going to see Horrible Bosses, but how many flasks does she need to carry with her?)‬
Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Actually she was at Friends With Benefits so back off. Flasks fully justified.
Guy: ‬ ‪I'm glad she's a redhead again, though, even though she's a natural blonde, and even though I  usually criticise starlets for doing the reverse... it's all very confusing.‬
Nathaniel: ‬ ‪Yes.‬

Nathaniel: Moving on. Every time I try to think about what to say about Captain America and his love interest (Chris Evans and Hayley Atwell) I fall asleep.
 ‪Jose: ‬ ‪LOL‬. I resent that this Chris Evans person is trying to pretend he's all geeky and stuff now, every time I see him all Benjamin Button-ized in the trailer I want to kick his ass

 ‪Guy: ‬ ‪Is that Chris Evans? I didn't recognise him behind his cunning "look, I'm smart" disguise. And without his abs.‬
Nathaniel: Is he going for a Clark Kent thing here or is he ready to let himself go since he's said that those grueling two hour workouts to look like a super soldier made him want to vomit daily?
Jose: ‬ He's just being a drama queen. If I had those abs I would not bother with clothes EVER‬.

THERE'S MORE: Chris Evan abs (in motion), Ryan Gosling's perfection, Vanessa's unfortunate frock, Hayley Atwell's identity crisis and the über sexy cast of Crazy Stupid Love at their premiere AFTER THE JUMP.

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