Cast This! "Baby Jane" the Remake That Should Never Happen But Is Fun To Theoretically Cast

 By now you must have heard that horriblest of horrible news: Walter Hill is planning a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Why? Why? Why? Won't Carrie 2013 be tragedy enough? But after the brief psychotic break I experienced after reading the news (I stood under an overhead light and swayed inconsolably while holding my Madonna doll) I realized that Whatever Happened to Baby Jane is really fun to enjoy in whichever way it comes to you. I love any spoof or homage. I just don't need a remake.

Luke at Journalistic Skepticism, who came up with a funny casting reunion suggestion, asked me to discuss. And I can't fight it. I readily concede that even though I don't want the film remade, it's super fun to theoretically cast.

Nick joked on twitter that Hollywood would obviously go with oldies like Charlize Theron and Reese Witherspoon which is funny because it's horrible and true. If they go older, they'll obviously offer it to Streep & Somebody. But I think you should go with 50somethings.  My brilliant suggestion after the jump...

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Cast This! "Hocus Pocus" Sequel

A new rumor swirling round the internet this weekend is that Disney is considered a sequel to Hocus Pocus (1993) that mildly amusing witchy family comedy starring Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker which was a much bigger success on video than it was in theaters. I remember liking it -- I love funny women trios as I just mentioned -- but wishing it was as funny as we all know all those actresses to be.

Moviehole reports that Disney may fast track this new film for release next year and is calling it Hocus Pocus: Rise of the Elderwitch. /Film reports that Disney is denying it entirely. The title sounds, to me, like an unecessarily complicated title when modern trends suggest that they'll probably just remake it (excuse me "reboot" it) and attempt a new franchise.

If you were making a magical comedy about three naughty witches, who would you cast? You need really funny girls to live up to Midler, Najimy & Parker and as is the tradition with female comedy trios from 9 to 5 to Witches of Eastwick and Hocus Pocus and on through the Charlie's Angels movies, you need distinctly different personalities / hair colors.

If you don't include Ari Graynor in your triple wish list, I will never hire you to cast my own debut feature. Go!

Cast This! "Witches of Eastwick" Redux

So my Witches of Eastwick 25th anniversary celebration was not at all as comprehensive as I hoped for it to be but we need to wrap up. We barely talked about the three divas at all! (Sigh). As exit music, let's chatter about casting a sequel. If you'll recall Alexandra (Cher), Jane (Susan Sarandon) and Sukie (La Pfeiffer) each had a bouncing baby (half-demon?) boy at the end of the movie, sired by that devil Jack Nicholson himself. He was still trying to share custody (through the television screen) but the witches were wise to him.

I thought about asking you to cast a reboot but why replace that irreplaceable actress trinity?

Let's cast a sequel and bring all three of the goddesses back. Who should play the three sons all grown up in a sequel? You'll need three 25-34ish guys who would look great as a ginger, blonde, brunette trio and also have a little of their moms in them, whether that's visually or personality wise.

YOUR CHALLENGE: Cast the three sons and three young demonic succubi temptresses that try to lure them back to their Daddy. Since movies are always making gorgeous women of a certain age into the devil (hi Snow White and the Huntsman) in order to glorify youth, for bonus points tell us how Cher, Sarandon and Pfeiffer defeat the young (evil) beauties. 

I may even give prizes to the best answer this time. You've got six character spells to cast. GO! 

Cast This! Rob Marshall and "Into the Woods"

As frightening... as bewildering... as wrong as it is to say after a decade of breakthroughs (Moulin Rouge!), critical triumphs (Dancer in the Dark, Hedwig and the Angry Inch) and box office hits (Chicago, Dreamgirls, Hairspray) and problematic but Oscar nominated efforts (Nine, Sweeney Todd, Phantom of the Opera) ... the movie musical is still in trouble. It probably will be until another Vincente Minnelli or Bob Fosse arrives on the scene, someone who understands and breathes and trusts the very cinematic language of the musical. Until then we'll get bored directors detouring or novices who think it might be "fun" to try one... or Rob Marshall.

Will no young director challenge Rob Marshall as King of the Musicals?

Stage turned film director Rob Marshall was initially seen as something of a savior of the form when Chicago (2002) became a smash hit and Best Picture winner. It had been 34 years since a movie musical had had that honor. But his musical follow up Nine (2009) proved a massive flop and a target of critical derision. Though I thought it was better than it got credit for being (how could it not be given the vitriol?) in tandem with Chicago it revealed too little range and an inherent distrust of the form he had been handed, without competition, to rule; the music in both films emerged on sound stages as hallucinations or performative fantasy. His two subsequent non-musicals (Memoirs of a Geisha and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) were much worse, with listless dramatics and overstuffed weightless business for plot. Nevertheless, Hollywood logic prevails. Disney, looking at the colossal gross of On Stranger Tides, has obviously forgiven Marshall for Nine's red ink and rewarded him with the reigns of the film version of a bonafide masterpiece, Stephen Sondheim's twisted fairy tale classic Into the Woods. Never mind that I could have directed On Stranger Tides (it would have been all about the mermaids and they would have drowned Captain Jack in the first half hour) and it would still have been a top grosser. In Hollywood you get credit for blockbuster grosses even if you are obviously replaceable since anyone helming a long running franchise will produce a similar size hit. Audiences are lemmings when it comes to those big franchises. 

So though I weep that Into the Woods isn't getting a world class auteur, and I shudder most of all to think of those glorious songs sung by people who can't handle the intricacies of the music -- Marshall casts for stardom first even if they can't sing and Sondheim obviously writes only for great singers who can act -- we should try and stay positive. Let's play...

Bernadette Peters leads the cast of the original INTO THE WOODS (1987)

CAST THIS!

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Q&A: Small Screens & Sex Workers

Since there were so many television centric questions in last week's "Ask Nathaniel" insert, I figured we'd have to give them their own Q&A post. We'll get to the movie questions on Tuesday. But for now let's handle all these questions involving smaller screens than we usually go for.

BENSUNCE: Like George Clooney, which current television actors would you see having a successful career on the big screen?

Expecting anyone to have Clooney-sized silver screen success after switching from the small screen is, well, a recipe for disappointment if not disaster. He's a 1%er. Most of the people I enjoy on TV now already had their movie shot and have gone small screen for better / bigger roles than they were getting at the movies. But the current small screen actors I think absolutely deserve and would ace major big screen opportunities are Christina Hendricks and Jon Hamm (Mad Men). On a riskier pipe dream note I hope Harry Shum Jr (Glee) gets at least one romantic comedy opportunity both because he's adorable and because Hollywood really needs to end their strange delusion that Asian men can't be romantic leads... or leads at all. 

SEAN D: If you were in charge of the Emmy awards how many nominations/wins would Buffy the Vampire Slayer have received?

I knew talking about Buffy earlier this month would get send us all spinning back in time to Sunnydale. It's always difficult to answer questions like this because so much of what should have been nominated and won in any given year in any given artform is contingent upon the competition that year. But I will say that I think Buffy's second, third and sixth seasons had no business whatsoever not being nominated for Best Drama Series and I think they should have won the Best Series Emmy at least once for Season 3. I'd probably have nominated the show itself for seasons 2 through 6 consecutively though I get why people have issues with seasons 4 through 6. But the standard lines of complaining about those seasons are wrongheaded ("it should have stayed in High School") and short sighted ("it got too depressing!"). In the first short season Buffy The Vampire Slayer was merely finding its footing and establishing its identity and the last season was a badly paced mess with a couple of wonderful moments but the rest is gold. As for writing Emmys, it's inexcusable that "The Body" and "Once More With Feeling" didn't have writing and directing nominations and in both cases you could make strong arguments for actual winged statues, too.

Shouldn't "Doppelgangland" have secured Alyson Hannigan an Emmy nod?For acting the show deserved the following nominations at least (Season #)

Actress, Drama
Sarah Michelle Gellar (2, 4, 6)
Supporting Actor, Drama
James Marsters (2), Anthony Stewart Head (6) 
Supporting Actress, Drama  
Allyson Hannigan (3,4), Emma Caulfield (5, 6)
Guest Actress, Drama 
Juliet Landau (2), Eliza Dushku (3)  
Guest Actor, Drama
Harry Groener (3) 

TOM M: Which recent film would make the leap to television and prove a MASH-ing success? And which television series has the bones to make a great film?

Crazy difficult question. The mediums are so different despite all the crossover these days. I don't know about M*A*S*H* level success ratios for anything but I would love love love or should I say I would ♥ a series based on I ♥ Huckabees that focused on the existential detectives Vivian (Lily Tomlin) and Bernard (Dustin Hoffman). I would fill my DVR with that nonsense and delete every other show taking up too much room. I could see a series based on Inception working fairly well and I think Scott Pilgrim vs. The World should have been a TV series to begin with.

Nathaniel's dream television series

MORE AFTER THE JUMP...

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