Blue Moments With Jodie & Fassy

Was it just me or was last night's Golden Globe ceremony less gold than blue? (It was even unfortunately brown what with all the references to Bridesmaids poop jokes). "Blush" was both a red carpet trend and something that stars were having to do.

The evening literally began with a beaver joke and ended with a dick gag. Both Jodie Foster and Michael Fassbender were good sports about the below-the-belt ribbing but what the hell did they spike the drinks with last night?

Jodie's Beaver
Ricky Gervais set the bawdy tone kicking off with a joke that seemed to be about Mel Gibson (he wasn't allowed to talk about him) but morphed into a much better one about Jodie Foster. He can't mention Mel Gibson...

Especially not Jodie Foster's Beaver. I haven't seen it myself. 

I've spoken to a lot of guys here. They haven't seen it either.  

...But that doesn't mean it's not any good!

One of the talking dumbheads at E! after party actually thought that was a joke about Jodie still being hot after birthing two children. Oh no, honey, no. That's not what the joke was about. 

Elton John did not think this joke was funny in a subsequent cutaway -- though he knew what the joke was about -- but he had a permascowl on his face throughout the evening, only smiling when Morgan Freeman interrupted his own speech to say "Hi Elton"

Fassbender's Frontal
When Clooney won Best Actor, He gave a beautiful shout out to his friend and former co-star Brad Pitt before going straight for the Fassbender dick jokes, even pantomiming a golf swing without a golf club.

Also you get to meet a lot of other wonderful young actors.  I met -- I'd like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking on the frontal nudity responsibility that I had.

Really Michael?  Honestly, can you play golf with your hands behind your back?

Go for it man, do it. 

George, George, George... 

Surely that was as good as a $100 million blockbuster for upping Michael Fassbender's Q Quotient round the world. 

Morning After. Three Globey Flashbacks, One Winners List

1. Miss Golden Globe y'all.

It's Andie Macdowell's daughter Rainey Qualley. She totally did a great job, directing traffic with those arms like she was born to work on a tarmac guiding 747s to their gates. I mean this in the nicest possible way because some Miss Double Gs totally shirk their navigational responsibilities. She was just not having people stand in the wrong spot.

2.  Uggie is Made of Ham

Not only was he pulling focus during the Best Picture speech, he was also working the red carpet, with or without Penelope Ann Miller as Vanna White. I hope he's being compensated well.

3. Laura Dern, a skinny Christmas Tree with THE FACE on top.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Complete Winners List in case you missed it... I know I missed a few of these during the live blog.

MOVIES
Picture, Drama: “The Descendants.”

Picture, Musical or Comedy: “The Artist.”

Actor, Drama: George Clooney, “The Descendants.”

Actress, Drama: Meryl Streep, “The Iron Lady.”

Director: Martin Scorsese, “Hugo.”

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Jean Dujardin, “The Artist.”

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Michelle Williams, “My Week With Marilyn.”

Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, “Beginners.”

Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, “The Help.”

Foreign Language: “A Separation.”

Animated Film: “The Adventures of Tintin.”

Screenplay: Woody Allen, “Midnight in Paris.”

Original Score: Ludovic Bource, “The Artist.”

Original Song: “Masterpiece” (music and lyrics by Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry), “W.E.”

TELEVISION

Series, Drama: “Homeland,” Showtime.

Series, Musical or Comedy: “Modern Family,” ABC.

Actor, Drama: Kelsey Grammer, “Boss.”

Actress, Drama: Claire Danes, “Homeland.”

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Laura Dern, “Enlightened.”

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Matt LeBlanc, “Episodes.”

Miniseries or Movie: “Downton Abbey (Masterpiece),” PBS.

Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Kate Winslet, “Mildred Pierce.”

Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Idris Elba, “Luther.”

Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story.”

Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones.”

Golden Globe-ing It. Live Blog

6:15 Welcome to the ???nth annual Golden Globes Live Blog. Now with more fever, saltines and ginger ale. I am sick so it is a rare Golden Globes without booze. Which should be illegal. (How to survive the Gervais Smug-a-Thon without a Vodka-Thon?) The first vision that greeted me was George Clooney of whom I am currently bored with (It'll pass), the second vision was Octavia Spencer and Melissa McCarthy gabbing silently. At one point Melissa even cupped her hand to tell Octavia a secret.

I would've voted for you since I wasn't nominated!"

Maybe? 

6:31 Jessica Chastain all giggly and Celia-esque while talking to E! reporters. She even did cute little spins and hand flips to demonstrate her Givenchy. But the camera people and booth barkers at E! never ever take their meds. They pan up and down. They shift focus. They put one celeb in a tiny box while another poses. They 360º it. My head spins. And it's not from the sick.

6:39 Sarah Michelle Gellar let her two year old choose her dress. Way to armor yourself against the fashion police reviews. SMG's idea of good date night is IHOP. The more you know! 

6:40 Diane Lane looking like a movie star as usual. A movie star without movies, unfortunately.

6:47 My cat is howling. He is not impressed with celebrities or my sweatshirt and sweatpants and ginger ale ensemble. The other day he stopped in his tracks to watch the TV for a full 10 minutes which has not happened since Microcosmos. What paralyzed him with interest? A PBS show Birds of the God - Birds of Paradise. 

6:49 And no Monty has not told me what he thought of any of the Oscar movies since Bridesmaids He is like the Haley's comet of Oscar pundits.

6:52 Rooney Mara is truly terrible at being interviewed. But then Ryan Seacrest is asking her whether she kept her "intimate piercings" from Dragon Tattoo so it would take a sassy pro to deflect that and own the situation. She merely says 'some of them. I didn't want to have to repierce'. No no noRooney. You don't answer those questions. You deflect that either sassily, mysteriously, flirtatiously or... if all else fails, a  look that could kill. We know you have the latter in your arsenal.

poll by twiigs.com

 7:07 Bérénice Bejo has not seen The Artist in three months. #uselessredcarpetconfessions.

7:09 Commercial break. Starting to feel a bit better. Having fish for dinner. Cat howling to commence again in 5...4...3...

7:15 Charlize Theron needs to give every young starlet lessons in red carpet banter. She is so excellent at it -- even with laryngitis. MORE with Theron, Moore, Pfeiffer, Streep and the lot of 'em.

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Globe Winner Predictions. A Nail Biting Night?

I normally look forward to Golden Globe night with the feverish pitch I otherwise save for Oscar Nomination Morning and Oscar Night itself. They're the holy trinity of awards season Father (Oscar Noms), Son (Oscar Night) and uh... Holy Ghost (The Globes). Well, there are spirits involved. I expect that the drunkest table will belong to The Help or Bridesmaids. Here's to inebriated ladies!

And here are my predictions. I'm just going for it and predicting a return to... January 2003. Wait, what? Read on!

MOVIES

BEST PICTURE, DRAMA

• The Descendants
• The Help
• Hugo
• The Ides of March
• Moneyball
• War Horse 

With most of the attention swinging towards The Artist, Best Picture Drama feels like a free for all this year. Three films (The Descendants, Hugo and The Help) look like feasible winners since they've retained heat after the nominations. Common wisdom points to the inexplicable near-universal love for The Descendants but for whatever reason I'm imagining a repeat of the 2002/2003 Globes season wherein the throbbing heart of a female epic (The Hours) beat out an expensive Scorsese film and the Alexander Payne film about the widower dealing with his angry daughter whilst having spiritual awakenings. (Gangs of New York and About Schmidt)
Prediction: The Help
Spoiler: The Descendants 

BEST PICTURE, COMEDY or MUSICAL

• 50/50
• The Artist
• Bridesmaids
• Midnight in Paris
• My Week With Marilyn

This one seems all sewn up for The Artist but I think it's worth noting that the Comedy or Musical category tends to be where the Golden Globes house their biggest surprises on average. That said a defeat for the Artist would be the kind of shocker that only happens once a decade. 
Prediction: The Artist
Spoiler: Bridesmaids (imagine the uproar!) 

BEST DIRECTOR 

• Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
• George Clooney, The Ides of March
• Michel Hazanavicus, The Artist
• Alexander Payne, The Descendants
• Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Hazanavicius may or may not be the frontrunner for the Oscar. It's tough to say with lesser known directors when they're battling cinematic giants who win awards based on their whole filmography rather than the specific film they're up for. But I'm guessing that the presence of Woody Allen pulls enough votes from Martin Scorsese to keep Hazanavicius in the lead.
Prediction: Hazanavicius
Spoiler: Scorsese

PREDICTIONS IN ALL CATEGORIES after the jump...

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Now Presenting... The Presenters!

If the starry nominee troupes marching towards you later this week and beyond are not shiny enough for you, fear not. Even more celebs will be on hand as well wishers and presenters. Here's what we know so far followed by our annual Oscar badgering. They really need help when thinking about "presenting" honors.

BFCA "Critics Choice" This is happening in just two days. Will you be here as we live blog?  Presenters include: Leonardo DiCaprio, Vin Diesel, Kirsten Dunst, Donald Glover, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Kingsley, Diane Kruger, Melissa McCarthy, Elizabeth Olsen, Patton Oswalt, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Jason Segel and Owen Wilson. 

GLOBES Michelle Pfeiffer & Nicole Kidman (!!!!!!!!! I don't mean to imply together... though wouldn't that be something?), Melissa McCarthy, Jake Gyllenhaal, Clive Owen & Natalie Portman (I don't mean to imply together... though wouldn't that be something?), Antonio Banderas & Salma Hayek (I assume together) and Mark Wahlberg. 

SAG Ed Helms, Julianna Margulies, Natalie Portman, Armie Hammer, and Southland's wonderful headliner Regina King who, as it turns out is also something called "SAG Awards® social network ambassador". Fancy!

OSCARS Nothing has been announced yet but we assume that Natalie Portman, Colin Firth, Christian Bale and Melissa Leo will be on hand to present the acting awards... unless they screw with the format again.

And once again we would like to remind the Oscar producers that no one wants to see the same people presenting Best Picture every year. Step away from the Spielbergs, Nicholsons, Streisands and Hanks. We PROMISE you they are not the only celebrities everyone recognizes.

Instantly Recognizable Faces / Audience Beloveds Who've Never Had "Best Picture" Honor

• Meryl Streep
• Jane Fonda
• Julia Roberts
• Michelle Pfeiffer
• Liza Minnelli
• Angelina Jolie
• Johnny Depp
• Tom Cruise
• Will Smith
• My three favorite Perfect Duo Suggestions for this particular year. None of them have had the honor...
• KATE & LEO  (Consider it. 2012 is the TITANIC centennial. Be a little more creative on Oscar night. Please do not sleepwalk and pull from your standard pool of 5 people.) 
• JODIE & ANTHONY (20th anniversary of Silence of the Lambs big winning ceremony)
  
  Just a couple of Dames 
• DAME MAGGIE SMITH  & DAME JUDI DENCH
  My #1 suggestion. Hear me out. They're friends. They're Oscar titans. They're both getting on in years. Plus, it'd be a sly nod to Harry Potter as it ends and James Bond as it hits its 50th anniversary. You're always worried about being "relevant" to younger audiences. How about covering all your bases at once with senior citizens who are Academy staples but who are also instantly recognizable and beloved by all generations given their key roles in long running über successful franchises that are having major moments right about now. All that plus the Dames have a new film together in 2012 (The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel). It's the best of all possible worlds. Plus it's a honor for actresses and you have to admit that you're very actress-phobic when it comes to Best Picture presentations and Honorary Oscars.
  
  Repent of this great sin and let an actress (or two) have the honor this year.