Paging Lacuna, Inc. - Naomi Watts' 2013 is One She'd Rather Forget!

One of my favourite movie-going memories of 2013 was seeing the trailer for Adore play before a bemused sold out opening weekend audience at Blue Jasmine. Amongst the scattered laughs was one lady a row or two behind me who uttered to her companion, “What is Naomi Watts doing?” She, and the rest of us, are sadly still waiting for an answer. On the heels of that Oscar nomination for The Impossible, Watts has since appeared in two films that have literally been laughed off of cinema screens.

[Adore and Diana giggles after the jump...]

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Besties Bounce Bell Bio-Pic

JA from MNPP here - I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but don't you just love forever besties Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts? I saw them once walking into the movie theater in Union Square in New York and I spent weeks contemplating what they were going to see. I mean, I can't be the only one who spends an unhealthy amount of time imagining them laying on a sofa, both in sweatpants, Naomi's head in Nicole's lap, a comically enormous bowl of popcorn on Naomi's belly, as they nosh and watch some difficult and demanding foreign film and see who can call dibs on the director first, right? That's totally how it rolls.

Anyway, picture that. Only this time Naomi rolls over, spilling some kernels on the floor, super sad. "Aww, what's wrong, puss-puss?" Nicole Asks. Nicole calls Naomi "puss-puss" in this scenario. Just go with it. And yes, Nicole is nervous that Naomi's going to bring up the reviews for Adore, or even worse the Princess Di bio-pic - Nicole has her own bio-pic worries, what with that guy who was supposed to be cutting the trailer for Grace of Monaco having fallen off the face of the Earth and all. But Naomi doesn't have any of that on her mind, thankfully. "I don't think I can make the Herzog movie," she cries. Ahh, Nicole thinks. The Gertrude Bell bio-pic! That's a juicy one! Nicole's laser quick control of her facial features kicks in - do not let on your glee, she thinks! "Oh no, puss-puss. That's terrible. We both love Herzog so much." She emphasizes "both," but not too dramatically.

And so it goes. As Naomi goes and dries her tears in the bathroom, Nicole reaches into the drawer of the side table stealthily, pulling out her long-ago scribbled list of names - Auteurs I Will Work With One Day, it says in large block letters. She draws a firm red line through Werner Herzog with a smile. She'll wait to call her agent tomorrow; now's the time to bust out the box of wine from the fridge and soften Naomi up for the transition.

In the bathroom, Naomi flushes the toilet and speaks quietly into her cell-phone. "Hey Werner. It's puss-puss. We got her. No worries."

Best Actress Predix: Authors & Astronauts & Immigrants (oh my)

And princesses too! Actually I'm predicting neither Princess Grace (Nicole Kidman) nor Princess Diana (Naomi Watts) for the eventual shortlist though their names will undoubtedly continue to come up. Yes, the Best Actress Chart has arrived. 

Who wins ANOTHER Oscar this year? So many previous winners are back

My final shortlist is all Oscar winners -- which has only ever happened once (just last year in Supporting Actor ) but this is what my crystal ball is telling me so I obey. And anyway, it's a Previous-Actress-Winning Heavy year at least in terms of who got jobs headlining major motion pictures. Even lower in the charts there are a lot of Oscar winners, all told.  It's (maybe) that kind of year... though I could see a scenario where unOscared supporting chart players hop over to Lead Actress if they see a window and their roles are substantial enough (Adams? Harris? Winfrey?). And with 235 days left to go before Oscar nominations are announced, a lot could change: a quickly filmed or under-the-radar movie could hit it big on the fall festival circuit; holiday box office could shift focus around substantially at year's end; films could suddenly be moved to '2014 TBA' status.

Marion Cotillard will win Cannes Best Actress for... oh wait, people said this last year too and it didn't happenThe Wild Card
This time it's not a person but The Weinstein Co. themselves.  They've got more actress hopefuls than even they can handle since they're representing Grace of Monaco, The Immigrant, Philomena, August: Osage County and The Butler. (Does this clear the way for Sandra Bullock to win a second Oscar? I'm only mostly kidding) There is about a 1% chance that TWC will stay supportive of all of those films since they regular abandon their runts rather than nurturing them, to concentrate on the pick of the litter. Some of the ladies in question can generate some degree of media and internal industry interest even without puppet masters behind the scenes but not all of them. What do you think TWC will do when it's time to play favorites?  

Fun Trivia About The Top Ten on This Chart

• They have 47 acting nominations and 11 acting Oscars between them
• They range in age from 37 to 78 (will it really be a year skewing that mature?)
• 6 of them have competed directly with Meryl Streep for Oscar glory but only one, Sandra Bullock, has ever prevailed in head-to-head combat. (7 & 2 if you count Nicole winning the only Best Actress nomination from The Hours.)
• 3 Australians, 1 French, 3 Brits, 3 Americans

All First Wave Oscar Predictions
Index | Picture | Director | Actor | Actress | Supporting Actor | Supporting Actress |  Screenplays | Visuals | Sound | Animation 

Say What? Watts & Chastain

You amused us by adding dialogue or a caption to this snapshot of Naomi Watts & Jessica Chastain taken Wednesday in Paris.

AND THE WINNER IS...

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Earth's Mightiest Links

Grantland "look, you didn't hear this from George Lucas..." on the upcoming Star Wars Han/Luke/Leia Reunion
i09 Bad Lip Readings take on The Amazing Spider-Man. And things get skanky
Hollywood January Jones not one of the cool girls but the Zeéeeee is? My world is crumbling. 
Comic Book Resources shows  mashup illustrations: superhero album covers 

Movie|Line ranks the indispensability of the actors in The Avengers for sequels but weirdly states that Scarlett Johansson's part in The Avengers left a lot to be desired. I think that's just Iron Man 2 talking. You can trust Whedon with your female heroes and he gave her a lot to do.
DListed Bradley Cooper didn't want that stupid Oscar anyway
Vine Naomi Watts does an excellent David Lynch impersonation 
Boy Culture Jonathan Groff & Zachary Quinto wedding rumors (we live in a whole new better world now - gossip rags now sharing gay marriage rumors instead of "who is secretly gay?!" stupidity)
Guardian "bottled by Jolie-Pitt and Perrin" 
Ultra Culture advertising Disney isn't doing for Oz: The Great and Powerful 

Today's Must Watch
A home-made Iron Man 3 trailer  (no computer fx) alongside the actual one...

I love when creative people meet endless free time on their hands. [via Core 77 and Cinefix]