Yes, No, Maybe So: Nymphomaniac

I have been remiss in my Von Trier worshipping duties. He was once basically vying for Nathaniel's Favorite Working Director since I loved everything he made from 1996 through 2004. But in roughly those same years Almodóvar was peaking and Lars lost the Battle of the Auteurs. In the past nine years I have gone off Lars a little though Melancholia (2011) came thisclose to reginiting the passion. If it had only been tighter! I've tried to rewatch it a few times because I think it's a near masterpiece but the padding and wandering repetitions really undermine its potency and actively make me angry since it could have been one for the all time lists!

Which brings us to Nymphomaniac which is NOT keeping it tight as if to spite me. It's the story of a very loose woman, played by glutton for punishment Charlotte Gainsbourg (3 films with LVT now), and it's reportedly 5 hours long. (One wonders what it is that editors actually do on an LvT picture beyond lining up the scenes and calling it a day.)

So let's do a Yes No Maybe So on the very very very NSFW trailer so don't click on the "click to read more" link if nudity offends you since there will be screen captures... Okay, prudes and whores, let's do this!

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Uma. She'll Be Your Girl For All Seasons...

You should play this song while reading this post.

We haven't seen Uma Thu --- no seriously. People. Click play on that song while reading this post.

Ready? okay good. Hum along while you gaze at the pretty pictures of Uma Thurman. Sure you're listening to a more Pfeifferesque theme but it's still appropriate as you'll soon see.

We haven't seen Uma in so long! Mysteriously her career kind of fizzled out post double-hitting Kill Bill, Volumes 1 and 2, which you'd think would have restored her luster for non-Tarantino filmmakers but instead led to things like My Super Ex Girlfriend (oops). Still, there's hope for a third act what with her "Mrs H" role in Lars von Trier's Nymphomaniac coming. And she's still presumably raking in the big bucks for gigs like the one which has prompted this post, modelling for Campari for their 2014 calendar shot by Koto Bolofo (first spotted at Tom & Lorenzo), which thematically invokes celebrations around the world.

I don't know what all the celebrations are but since TFE has such a strong international readership I trust you'll tell us in the comments. 

Let's gawk at all twelve months of this calendar girl 

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Cannes Closing Ceremony. Which Actress Do *You* Own?

I've been watching the Cannes closing ceremonies with Glenn and having a laugh or five. My favorite bits are many but include...

 ...host Audrey Tatou's chirpy "oh la la" before the Palme D'Or

...president Steven Spielberg's weirdly nervous reveals of the winners

...Bérénice Bejo's surprise at winning Best Actress (damn is she ever looking gorgeous). Well, she was getting so good at losing.

...Ang Lee's entrance (why does the mere sight of him always fill me with joy?)

Awesome female directors, stage orgasms and actresses we now own (???) after the jump...

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LinkoManiac

Flicks and Bits cool fan-made posters for X-Men Days of Future Past 
Playbill is Jewel up for the part of Cinderella in Into the Woods? I am always rooting for thirtysomething and forthy something ladies on up (as everyone knows) but isn't she at least 15 years too old for this part? 
Cinema Blend Emily Blunt will play the very plum role of the Bakers Wife -- does anyone know if she can sing?
Le Noir Auteur on Angelina Jolie's recent op-ed
Tom & Lorenzo Julianne Moore's photospread in Madame Figaro 
Variety well this is unexpected... Uma Thurman to play Anita Bryant in a biopic about the famous orange-juice peddling homophobe

Allure Zoe Saldana naked for Allure. And also revealing her weight for some reason
THR the assembled cast of Lars von Trier's Nymphomaniac photographed... It's almost like a less cozy messier Vanity Fair cover
In Contention The Bling Ring reviewed from Cannes
Broadway.com now that Smash is cancelled, here are five ideal roles for Megan Hilty shoud she return to Broadway. Ooh, I love the idea of her as Queenie in The Wild Party 
Salon equates The Great Gatsby to Spring Breakers because someone had to
Variety Ralph Fiennes to star in Two Women based on a Russian play about a landowner's wife who falls in love with her son's tutor. No word on who will play the title characters or what part the other woman plays. I'd happily take Ralph Fiennes back in leading man roles, please.

James Franco Can't Help Himself!
Did you read the actor's thoughts on The Great Gatsby for Vice Magazine? And make sure to look at their attached graphic, a cheeky recasting of the film.

And Neither Can Gwynnie...
Just days after Gwyneth Paltrow's "unfun" comments about the "Punk" Met Ball (which we wrote about here) finished circulating, the latest edition of GOOP hits and it's all about what Gwynnie decided to wear to the "Punk" Met Ball -- that pink dress with the horizontal cutout which I personally might have been more appropriate at the SuperHero themed Met ball a year or three back. As previously noted I don't read GOOP but since Pepper & Marge have got me on a Paltrow kick, so I did this time. Turns out her hairdresser tried adding a few blue strands to her hair but the actress nixed the idea and went with a natural ponytail. So punk! I love Gwynnie but I am horrified that this hideous look too 5+ people and three separate fittings and adjustments to come into being.  

Tues Top Ten: Tarantino's Toes

A dark Cinderella moment in "Inglourious Basterds"Denny, back again after dancing to Chicago this weekend. When Nathaniel was looking for suggestions to kick off Tarantino Week, I immediately suggested a piece (or pieces) called "Tarantino’s Toes," in honor of his position as the world’s foremost foot fetishist. I was half-joking, but the alliteration was simply too much to walk away from. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. How does one even begin to rank the many, many feet Tarantino has filmed? Does one go by the height of the arch? The length? The width?

… Sorry. I just had to run to the sink. I’m better now.

Actually, on re-watch, I found that, while they aren’t always plot devices, Tarantino does actually use feet to illuminate his themes and charact… Sorry. I just can’t take this seriously. We’re talking about FEET for frak’s sake! To wit, being as non-pervy as I possibly can, my completely arbitrary list of...

Tarantino’s Top Ten Toes

Honorable Mention: Mia’s foot massage in Pulp Fiction
We don’t actually see it onscreen, so I didn’t consider it eligible, but Jules’s monologue about the ultimately deadly foot massage that “Tony Rocky Horror” gave to Mia Wallace is pretty killer. That, according to Mia, the foot massage never even happened makes it even more intriguing.

10 O-Ren Ishii in Kill Bill, Vol. 1
They’re only glimpsed for a split second, but the sight of Lucy Liu’s O-Ren running down a table just before slicing off the head of the one member of the crime council who dissents to her new leadership in one swift, clean cut, is one of the film’s best surprises. And on repeat views, it only gets funnier.

more little piggies after the jump

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